Page 15 of All the Promises We Break

I want to touch things I shouldn’t. I’m thinking things I can’t because it’s sending my body signals that I won’t be able to ignore. My hands run down the sides of her neck, over her shoulders, and slowly trail down the cotton of her pullover sweater. Before I break completely, my thumb runs back and forth over the knuckles on both of her hands.

I look her dead-on in the eyes and draw two light circles on the backs. It’s all I can give her. Our fingers part, but I still feel them even as I’m retreating to my car. When I back out of the driveway, as her image in the middle gets smaller and smaller and her details fade, I notice the tension is still vibrating in the air between us as thick as something else I could name.

The vanilla of her shampoo and the coconut of her lotion is permanently imprinted in the fabric of my passenger seat. In the matter of a couple hours, Hayley went from my pseudo kid sister to this vibrant, intelligent, and sexy opponent I’d want to spar with again, in more ways than one. My inner voice usually is screaming at me to stay and get after it.

What the fuck just happened?

Chapter Six

Elijah

It’s funny how I didn’t realize I was a creature of habit until that chain was broken. What you miss when you can’t do those things is enormous. I can’t take my runs in the park. The chess game moves indoors. David came to see me when I’d been home a week or two.

My chess game turned to crap but that wasn’t what was important. I had David back and he had me. He confessed how my injury and absence affected him. When you’re in it and the one who is hurt or hurting, you don’t often think about what it would be like on the outside looking in.

I had that conversation with Dylan. I’m glad it’s out in the open. I should try harder to talk to those around me to reassure them that I’m still me and I’m okay. I’m the checker. I make sure everyone else is okay, usually. The pain, random bouts of confusion, and admittedly, the depression that comes with the pain is real.

I need to start reaching out instead of looking inward. Back to habits. Back to old stomping grounds. Back to routines andthings I love. This will let people know the worry is passing and we can look forward again.

Tomorrow is my first half day in the office in more than six weeks. Skye and Anna have been amazing at keeping my father going, not like he needed a real shove. I’m grateful that he was able to pick up the ball. I have to admit I’m nervous to take his seat again. Pops told me if I wasn’t nervous he’d be concerned.Listen to him.

I know Dylan is nervous for a number of reasons. Finals are looming, her audition is fast approaching, she doesn’t know if she can mix school, dance, and work then last, but definitely not least, for her, is me. I can sense her fear. She won’t be there to watch over me sometimes, which will drive her crazy.

The only thing she doesn’t do at home is the hard-core rehearsals. She’s cut way back on them, which I know isn’t good for her or the audition. As much as I need my routine back, so does she.

This spring has been so warm. There’ve been more days of sun than usual. I like the symbolism of brighter days. We enjoy this mild afternoon by doing one of the things I love the most, a walk through Central Park. There are many people out walking, running, riding bikes, playing with their dogs, playing with their kids.

We stop and watch one family in particular. There’s a father with his young daughter. She has a pale pink bow in her hair and in a pink dress with white tennis shoes. She’s screaming and clapping as her father flies her kite way overhead. Just behind her, on a blanket, is her mother holding a brand-new baby in a pale green swaddle. Everything about this picture screams joy.

Dylan leans in, kissing my cheek as we walk. “I saw you.”

“Saw what?”

“I saw you watching that little girl. She was cute.”

“She was. Precious. Did you see her shoes?”

Dylan giggles. “I did. They looked like mine, only miniature.”

“I love it when you laugh. I want to hear you do it more.” I stop her and crouch down a bit. “Get on.”

“What do you mean get on? Like your back?”

“Well anything else in this public place would get us arrested, so yes, my back.”

She laughs even harder as she vaults onto my back. Dylan’s arms drape loosely around my neck. She leans in and nibbles on my ear as we walk. I’d like to shoo her off, but I don’t for two reasons. One, no hands left, and my balance can every once in a while hang by a thread, and two, I love every minute of it.

I want to introduce her to another friend of mine today, one that’s been a long time coming. I set her on her feet at the front gate of the zoo. I spin her under my arm like we just completed some amazing dance move. Once she sees the sea bird exhibit past where the sea lions are, a smile brighter than the sun appears.

“Are we going to see Bono?”

“I thought it was time you saw him in person and not just in pictures.” Dylan jumps up and down, clapping as she bounds toward the penguin enclosure. We jog to the building, once we reach the door, she bows and opens the door for me. As if he knew I was coming, Bono is the first penguin I see on top of a rock formation in the nearest corner of the enclosure.

He stabilizes his wings behind him and gives a good shake. As we near the glass he grows still and watches us for a minute. I pull Dylan into my side as I press my hand against the glass where he is. “Hey, buddy. Long time no see.” Bono lets out a squawk I can hear outside the thick glass then he tips over into the pale blue water.

He darts from one end of the pool to the other. I guess even penguins get the zoomies. All focus is on the handler after that because we also made it for feeding time. The handler today isthe one I met four years ago. He knows my connection to this little guy and gives us a wave as we stand in the corner to watch.

I can sense Dylan looking up at me as I watch all the goings-on in the enclosure. “I knew you weren’t making it up about Bono, but to see him in person is really cool. It’s like he knows you.”

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