Page 66 of Harbor in the Tempest

There are several different wires coming away from his body. There’s a clip over his right index finger. There are five wirestaped to different points on his chest, along with a maze of tubes coming from the IV on his arm. I can see a few ripples of his muscles peeking out from beneath. There are too many cuts, bruises, and stitches to count on his skin before I even make it to his face.

Elijah’s head is wrapped in white all the way around the crown. His left eye is so many shades of purple and black underneath and along that same side of his nose. There are deep scrapes to his left cheek that are now starting to be masked by his growing stubble. His father lays a steady hand on Eli’s chest. I can see within an instant Jack’s breathing sync with his son’s.

That’s the only thing that’s not completely still. His chest. I can see it mechanically rise and fall with the hiss of the ventilator breathing for him. The life I’ve seen in Eli since that first moment in the club Labor Day weekend is gone.

“Dr. Collier says we should talk to him and touch him as much as we can. She feels it can make all the difference in his recovery.” All Jack has done until this moment is be concerned about me. I know what my pain level is and can’t imagine the amount he’s in. I reach over to put my hand over his on Eli’s chest. I close my eyes and pretend it’s just Goose and Viper on a beach, in the shower in Vermont, or sneaking away to the Hamptons alone. I know better. I want the memory for just a second.

“You’re his hero. You know that?” I tell Jack.

“I suppose that’s the tale of a father and a son.”

“It’s more than that. My heroes are dancers, activists, and artists. His hero is you. We’ve had so many conversations about how you inspire him in life and in business. The way he talks about you and his mother is pretty special.”

Jack’s voice cracks. “That’s nice to hear. So nice.”

“I know I’m kind of here out of left field. Thank you for being good to me when you didn’t have to.”

“Like my mother said, we’ve known about Viper for a while. She put a smile back on my son’s face. She brought light back into his heart. He’s more himself now than he has been in years. My wife and I, our whole family, are grateful. Do I wish you hadn’t felt the need to hide it? Of course, but I’m not angry.”

“You could have been. We brought this into your business and our age difference could have been a concern. I didn’t know what could happen.”

“Does it feel right to you when you’re together, Dylan?”

“At first, no. I didn’t think of us like that. He was attractive and fun. I thought that’s all it would be was fun. It was still fun, but...”

“Feelings got involved.”

“If I’m being totally honest, my parents don’t know about us either. My dad was pissed enough I was interning with AnSa, let alone if he knew I was seeing Eli. My dad has very specific ideas about my life. None of which have anything to do with what’s important to me.”

“Learn a lesson from this. Life is too short to be doing something or being with someone you’re not passionate with, or about.” Jack flexes his hand just enough so my fingers drop to wrap around his. He takes the tips of my fingers, squeezing them with his. “Would you like some time alone with him?”

“Yes, if that’s alright with you.”

“It’s perfectly fine with me. I won’t go far. I’ll just be right outside.”

He bends to kiss Eli on the forehead, just beneath his bandage, before laying a hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I reach to touch his hand in return, but his fingers slide away just before I can. I hear his footsteps behind me until Jack glides the door open, then closing it even slower behind him.

I fold my hands in front of my lips. My thumbnails rest against them, and before I know it, I’m nibbling on them. My heart isstill pounding hard. It has been since before we first came into the room. The sound was all I could hear initially so I wasn’t able to really clue into the noises around me. I did hear the vent moving air in and out of his lungs. What I didn’t notice were the other things I needed to pay attention to.

The blood pressure cuff high on his left arm powers on and off every five minutes or so. I can see the numbers register. I feel they’re high for him. Too high. The symbol of O2 on the screen is his oxygen level. The wires on his chest are scanning the beat of his heart. That’s the most important thing to me. Watching that line is like the pulse of a song. I run the tips of my fingers slowly over the tattoo on my neck, the pulse through the heart. As long as the line is still moving, he’s still with me. If he’s still with me, I’m still moving.

There is a tiny patch of his bed open under where his arm is folded across his chest. The deep V I know is there, under the sheets, gives me a small place to slide in next to him and be closer. I wish I could rest my head on his chest to feel his heartbeat under me.

Instead, I reach across for Elijah’s right hand and hold it gently in mine. I press lightly across the tape holding the needle in place. The small birthmark at the base of his ring finger is nearly covered. From the moment we met, I was attracted to the strength of his hands.

The way he uses them to illustrate a point. He’s sometimes overly animated. The way he held me as I danced. The way I was able to easily spin inside them and know I’d be able to stop. The way he pushed my wrist into the pillar. Every time he’s held my back with them.

The thing I’m struck by now is how weak he feels. I hate it. More than anything, I hate how it didn’t have to be this way. “Why did you get on your bike, huh? You shouldn’t have been on it. What were you thinking? It’s too early to ride this season. I’mso grateful your helmet protected you. I couldn’t get within ten feet of that bike and you’d ask where mine was.”

I hold my temples between my thumb and middle finger and sigh. I can feel all my emotions blending inside me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m not usually a jealous person. You know that. But when I saw you dancing with Tori, it was something different. I should have just told you seeing you dancing with her, for me, was like watching you have sex with someone else. Often, it’s more intimate to me. I should have just said that instead of not letting you explain then walking away.

“That’s what I came to tell you Sunday morning. When she opened the door, it was a double knife. You know? She knew what to say and how to say it. Also, it was because I saw what you had with her. She was in our space. It became the space you shared together, not the one you had with me. Every insecurity I never let you see was magnified a thousand times.

“I wish I could go back and do it over. I would never have left. I would have gone home with you. We would have gone to bed together and done Sunday breakfast our way. You never would have been in a position to be on your bike.”

I can’t finish. I remember first what Wes said. Blaming myself isn’t going to help him. The second thing is what Jack said. Talking to him, touching him… those are the ways to connect with and help him.

Music began our bond. We physically touched then let our own music follow. I reach into the pocket of my hoodie, underneath Eli’s sweater that still blankets me. I surf into my music, diving into Eli’s playlist. I hope he’ll hear me at least through this.

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