Page 129 of Luca & Luna

Every time she laughed at something I said, I felt like I was winning some little reward.

“I heard about a cool Celtic music festival if you wanted to go farther away.”

“How much farther away?” she asked.

“Canada.”

Luna choked on her lemonade. “That’s definitely a bigger trip.”

“My parents went ages ago, and not to the festival, but I remember them talking about the posters for it. It’s in some little town in Nova Scotia and it’s in October. They have the same cool leaves as New England.”

“I’m not opposed to the idea. How would we get away with a trip out of the country?”

I shrugged. “We can’t plan our whole lives around being a secret. We’re allowed to travel if we want to.”

“I guess.” She turned pensive and polished off the last bits of the treats. “I’ll put it in the maybe pile and see how busy the studio is once the facility opens and if I can afford to take time off that first year.”

“Okay, that’s fair. Hard to judge free time until the first year of a new business is all wrapped up.”

Luna nodded thoughtfully. “You want to stick around me long enough to plan a trip in the fall?”

I couldn’t quite determine what the expression on her face was. She had a mix of panic and hope in her eyes, her mouth caught between a smile and frown like there was a fight between them. “I’ve already told you I’m sticking around as long as you want me.”

“What if you find someone who doesn’t want to be a secret?”

How the hell was I supposed to answer that? Sure, sometimes I got frustrated with the secrecy, but I was still firm in my stance that secret Luna was better than no Luna. I wasn’t remotely interested in another soul.

“I don’t like anyone else,” I assured her.

“I never said you did. Doesn’t mean you couldn’t meet someone.”

“Is something specific prompting this?” I wanted to understand what was going on in her head, and she wasn’t always the best at communicating that.

“Not really. I just think about it sometimes. It’s not unreasonable for me to consider. People like to share their significant others, do stuff in public, and know there’s future potential for marriage, and bonding, and kids. I can’t give that to you.”

I quirked my head, studying her for a moment. “I never asked you for any of that. I don’t want you working yourself into knots because you’ve decided to think my thoughts for me. Would I like to be able to tell people about you and not worry about anyone seeing us when we’re out? Sure. I’d be proud for people to know we’re together in any capacity, but I know you’re not comfortable with that and I’ve known that from the start.”

She dropped her gaze, fidgeting with the rabbit I bought her. “It doesn’t feel fair. I feel like I’m a distraction keeping you from someone who could be better for you.”

I tipped her chin up, giving her a soft kiss as I readied myself to do battle with her inner demons. “First of all, I’m the one who gets to decide what’s better for me, not you. Second, you’re the only one that I want. You’re not distracting me from a damn thing. I know what the risks are, I know what the rules are, and I get to decide if the rewards balance out. I promise you they do. Do you know how much better my life has gotten since we started this?”

She shook her head silently.

“Do you think I would’ve had the guts to move out and start a new job on my own? I’ve been stuck for years. I’m still baffled that you bothered to look twice at me, and I’m clawing my way to being someone who deserves you.”

I was surprised by her rush of tears and sniffling breath.

“I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. Luca, I’m a hot fucking mess and you keep sweeping all my broken bits back together. I can’t ask you to keep doing that.”

I nudged the remnants of our lunch away and pulled her onto my lap. “You’ve never asked me. I do that because you deserve to feel safe and be supported. The more I learn you, the more I understand how many people failed to do that for you, and I refuse to be another person on that list. Whatever we are to each other and whatever we might be in the future, I want you to know you can count on me.”

She curled closer to me, her fingers tightening on my shirt, her scent as conflicted as her: burnt lemon warring with mango sweetness. Eventually her breathing evened out and she mumbled, “I really should go to therapy. Auggie has been up my ass about it for ages.”

“It probably wouldn’t hurt to help you untangle some things,” I replied. “You’ve had a lot of people hurt you, and that doesn’t just go away because time passes.”

Her sigh shifted her entire body, and she relaxed a little deeper into my embrace. “I keep feeling like I should be able to offer you a future. And I can’t.”

“Day by day. I don’t need any promises.” Even though she couldn’t give me any, I felt them all the same. I couldn’t let myself expect anything, but I wasn’t blind to how much things had changed since our first day together. Sometimes transformation came one grain of sand at a time, moving bit by bit to the new self until you realized one day the old pile wasn’t even there anymore.

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