Page 154 of Lars

“I’m leaving tomorrow morning,” I said, astonished at her attitude. “I might be gone for three weeks – ”

“I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Rachel – ”

“What do you want to do, lie around watching movies? You think we’re going to have sex? NO.”

“I just want to be near you before I leave – ”

“Well, I don’t want to be miserable, so I’m going home.”

I stood there in shock.

She looked at me uncertainly, like she was expecting me to say something more. To fight for her to stay.

When I didn’t, she said, “I hope you have a good trip… wherever it is you’re going.”

I just stared at her.

“Goodbye,” she said simply, and walked away.

I stood there a long time in the cold.

Finally, I went up to my room…

Put the engagement ring back in the safe…

And called up the restaurant and cancelled the reservation.

Then I raided the minibar in my room, got drunk, and passed out so I didn’t have to think about what might have been.

81

Rachel

Iburst into tears as soon as I got behind the wheel of my car.

I hated the way I’d acted towards him.

I hated that I’d been such a bitch.

Basically, I hated that I’d acted like my mother.

I wanted desperately to go knock on his hotel room door, tell him I was sorry and that I was just scared, and make him fuck me into oblivion –

But I held back.

Maybe it was my pride.

Maybe it was because I wanted him so desperately to tell me the truth, and his refusal felt like a betrayal.

I knew it wasn’t. A betrayal, I mean. As he was so fond of reminding me, he’d had to deal with the secrecy around my own job ever since we met –

But it still felt like he was lying to me. And I absolutely hated it.

So instead, I went home, put on some music, opened a bottle of wine, and got drunk.

Then I opened another bottle… and another one… and got obliterated.

---