Page 104 of Lars

She gazed at me with pain in her eyes. “But if that means upending your entire life, and giving up something you love…”

A growing fear began to rise in my chest.

This sounded suspiciously like she was trying to back out of something.

“Do you not want to be with me?” I asked in alarm.

“NO!” she cried out. “I do! I just…”

“What?”

“…I feel guilty that you’d have to give up so much.”

I caressed her cheek with my hand. “But I’d get you in return. I’d get to have a life with you. That’s the best possible trade I could make.”

She smiled sadly but didn’t say anything.

“You could always give up your job and come to Sweden,” I said with a hint of a smile.

She knew I was trying to lighten the mood. “No, thank you,” she said archly.

“Come onnnn. I’d get you barefoot and pregnant – ”

She laughed and smacked my arm. “NO.”

“You could pop out four, five, maybe six babies – ”

She suddenly looked somber. “I’m not sure I want kids.”

I shrugged. “That’s fine.”

“You don’t want children?”

“I didn’t say that. But I want you more than anything. With kids or without, I don’t care – as long as I get to have you.” I lifted her chin and kissed her. Then I asked, “Why so glum?”

“I hate the night before you leave. When you come here, it’s like Christmas vacation. Every day is wonderful… but then the last night comes, and I know I have to face reality the next morning.”

“Twenty-six months and five days,” I said quietly.

She closed her eyes as though she were in pain. “…I know… I just wish…”

“What?”

“That I could wave a magic wand and make it go by instantly.”

“Me too, Älskling,” I murmured, using the Swedish word for darling. I pulled her close to me. “Me too.”

58

Six weeks later, we decided I should come back to London for a shorter trip: four days instead of the usual week. Three months was too damn long to wait.

It was a good thing we decided on an earlier trip because the day before I left for London, I found out I would be deploying to Afghanistan again.

Shortly after I returned from my vacation, I would be shipping out for an entire year.

As I read the orders, ice-cold dread filled my stomach.

An entire year away from Rachel.

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