Page 84 of Cross To Bear

I cleaned the grease off my fingers on a paper serviette, then balled it up and placed it on my plate.

“Well, if you’re not going to eat the fish, what about some of the salad?”

My mother looked a whole lot happier now, beaming down the table at me.

“No thanks, Mum. I’m not hungry at all now.”

“Oh, you must eat something…” Her voice trailed away, the smile fading as I just stared her down. “Well, why don’t you tell us about the boy you’re seeing?”

“Another one?” Dad’s expression changed in an instant, his brows drawing down, his mouth becoming a thin line. “You only just got rid of that other idiot. What was his name, Daph? Jamie?”

“Jesse,” I said, licking a thumb and dragging it through the salt on the chip paper. “His name was Jesse.”

“Tell me this one doesn’t have a bloody girl’s name for starters,” Dad blustered.

He didn’t. They didn’t. I wanted to scream that out for all to hear. I wanted to make clear how good they’d been to me, how long they’d waited to make a move. That even when I just thought they were very attentive brothers-in-law, they always made sure I had everything I needed.

But I couldn’t.

No one listened to anyone in this family. I watched that now as Mum and Dad argued over who I should be dating. Mum obviously had a laundry list of her friends’ sons for me to work through and Dad didn’t want me seeing anyone, making sure I stayed his little girl. So no one listened to me when I tried to interject. In a way, that was a relief. I let their bickering wash over me, because that was easy, familiar. Otherwise I’d have to tell them what was really going on with me.

“And how’s that lovely girl at your work?” Mum asked. “Melanie?”

“Mallory.”

“Have you thought about asking her if she knows any single men?” she asked. “Perhaps someone in your industry. Two accountants in the family wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

It would be for me. I grabbed my glass of water, taking a sip, my mouth suddenly dry.

“Mal’s not really dating right now,” I told her, my words a patent lie, but part of me needed to know. Nelly’s words echoed around and around in my head, a theory that needed to be proven or disproven, because… I think all kids, adult or not, like to think their parents would accept them for who they truly are and damn the social consequences. So I looked my mother in the eye and tested her. “She’s got a boyfriend.”

“Oh, well, that’s nice.”

“Several actually.”

“Still trying to work out who to settle for, is she?” Dad grumbled. “Typical woman.”

“So it’s not serious then,” Mum said, her eyes slowly starting to widen. She tried to smile, failed, and then tried again. “She’s not in love.”

“No.” We weren’t talking about Mal. I knew that but did Mum? I wondered. For all of her preoccupation with things that didn’t interest me at all, no one could say that she was stupid. “She loves them plenty.”

“Them?” Dad reared back as if I’d reached across the table and slapped him. “Is this one of those non-bisexual things they keep going on about in the newspaper?”

“Non-binary?” I shook my head. “No. She just found not one guy, but several, who love her and want to make her happy.”

“A girl can’t be happy with more than one man.” Mum’s words came out in a big rush. “She just can’t. It’s not natural, not the way of things. What will happen if they…” She swallowed, her expression turning sour. “What if they have children? What will the other kiddies say when they talk about having more than one daddy? It’s cruel, that’s what it is.”

“She might never have children,” I replied, gripping my water glass tighter. “And even so, there’s kids with one mum or one dad, or two dads or two mums.”

“And a lot of the problems we have today can be blamed on just that sort of thing,” Dad said. “It’s why we didn’t like you being with that Jamie boy.”

“Jesse.”

“There’s the right people and the wrong people and you need to be mixing with the right ones,” he said. “You’ve got an opportunity to do that now. I know we didn’t come from much, but you got good grades at school and a fancy accounting degree. You’ve got a secure job in the city. You should be aiming higher than some yobbo from the shitty end of town. Get yourself a good husband and you’ll be set for life, love, so how about no more talk about having two dads at the dining table? It’s enough to put a man off his food.”

“Then I better go then.” I shoved my chair backwards as Mum started to protest. “Because listening to classist, queerphobic bullshit at the dinner table kills my appetite.”

“You sit down right now, young lady, and apologise!” Dad’s roar echoed in my ears though it didn’t really sink in. “I’m not sure what you think you’re doing, coming in here and spouting such rubbish!”

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