Page 103 of Cross To Bear

“But that’s not all.”

Chapter 58

Crash

Was I gonna tell her? My heart was beating so fucking fast, like it was trying to smash its way outside of my chest, because what I was about to say didn’t mesh all that well with the big, bad biker bullshit we liked to put on for Maddie. But in some ways the camera helped. When she held it up, it masked her face, and it wasn’t her eyes I looked into, seeing perhaps disgust, irritation, revulsion, but the shining lens of the camera.

“I guess in D/S terms, I’d be called a switch.”

“What—?”

“I might need you to hold the questions until I’m done, because this is real hard to get out.” I swallowed, but the lump in my throat was going nowhere. “A dominant is someone who likes to do the controlling, and the submissive is the one who likes to be controlled. People always say that I’m kinda greedy. I want to feel all the things, try anything that might feel good.”

I shrugged so nonchalantly, as if my balls weren’t trying their level best to crawl up inside me, even as my dick throbbed in time with my heart.

“I’ve had girls turn the tables on me before and…” I dared to look up, catching the moment the camera shutter clicked. “I liked it. Sometimes just for a laugh, because I’m only letting the girl top me until she gets tired, then I flip the tables and really go to work on her, and other times…”

I tried to stare past the lens and into her eyes.

“Other times she’s got me right where she wants me, in the palm of her hand, and I’m just putty for her to play with. I’ll do anything she likes, just to make her smile.”

“Anything?”

Was that revulsion or excitement in her voice?

“Anything.”

That was the wrong thing to say. I knew better, that enforcing your boundaries was important for your mental health, but I couldn’t seem to remember a one right now. Part of me wanted to surrender everything to Maddie, even my likes and dislikes. She was this vast mysterious sea that I just wanted to leap into, and I didn’t care if I drowned. My whole body jerked when she set her hand on my shoulder, but then went perfectly still as she stroked her palm across my chest.

“Anything for you, Maddie.” My words were coming out so fast that my tongue was tripping over itself. “Whatever the fuck you want. I’ll go down on my knees for you, love. Tie me up, spank my arse with wet celery, I’ll—”

“Show me.”

That note of command in her voice had me moving, but I didn’t know where. I even looked around for some celery, realising quickly we had nothing like that in here. But my knees found the floor without thought. It was cold and hard, not like the bench of her, but somehow that felt right. I kept my back straight, my hands clasped in front of me as my butt sank down to my heels and Maddie shot photo after photo of me as I waited.

That’s when the shame rushed in. This was no place for a man. No bloke I knew bowed down before anyone, and I didn’t in my day-to-day life. I was jumping in the fray of any fight my brothers might get into, ready to defend them with my life. But once all that was done with, sometimes I just wanted this. The quiet, the peace that came from going still and submitting. It felt like that swallowed me up, taking away all of the social programming that went into being a guy and just leaving this.

Me, attuned to her every movement, my chin rising when she went to touch it. Her lens followed this movement, recording the moment I gazed up at her, mutely pleading for her to understand, to see through all the bullshit to just me. That I was hers in ways the others never would be. That I could surrender to her absolutely. I was her dog, if she just picked up my leash.

“You look… so beautiful.”

That admission seemed to tear its way free of her and slam straight into me, making my whole body go warm then hot. I wanted that—to be beautiful for her—and so I straightened, shifted in time with her small movements, twisting my body so she could capture different angles until finally she stopped. The camera was set down, the mask pulled away, revealing only this. My girl’s eyes, warm and molten as chocolate as they stared down at me.

“Crash—”

“Cayden.” It felt wrong to speak, but the words came anyway. “Call me Cayden.”

“Cayden, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” But she seemed to. My eyes fell closed as I felt her hands smooth across my collarbones, her touch leaving a burning trail. “You seem to want something that I think needs to be talked about in a whole lot more depth, and I need to understand better.”

I didn’t need that, just her, I said mutely, but I met her gaze when she stared into my eyes. It was when she dropped down to kneel before me, that wince that made clear this hurt her, that broke the spell. My arms went around her, picking her up and holding her close, my face burying itself in her neck as I kissed the skin there.

“You don’t kneel for me, ever,” I said in a hoarse voice, though as my words registered, some very intriguing scenarios presented themselves in my mind. “Well, not unless we’re playing.”

Her chuckle, it was like the feel of a million soft touches, grazing across my skin and when I pulled back, her expression helped everything settle.

“Why do I think there will be a whole lot of playing with you?”

That was just an offhand comment, but in the spirit of the morning, I answered way more honestly than she expected.

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