Page 61 of The Secret Beach

31

Now

Nikki woke the next morning at five, as sunlight draped itself over the two sisters like a silken coverlet, and sweet birdsong crept in through the crack in the open window. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so close to Jess. They used to fall asleep on each other’s beds all the time when they were teenagers, listening to CDs when they got back from the beach, gossiping, laughing. Jess would smoke out of the window then spray CK One around the room. Nikki could never smell that scent without remembering warm summer nights and secrets and Jess spread out on three quarters of the bed, just as she was now. Jess took up space, in bed and in your head.

She turned to see her sister was wide awake, staring at the ceiling, yesterday’s mascara still smudged under her eyes. She gave her a nudge with her elbow and sat up.

‘Let’s go for a swim.’

‘What?’ Jess looked unimpressed with the suggestion.

‘Come on. You’ll feel amazing after. It’ll wash all your worries away. And it’s good for you.’

Jess had always been less enthusiastic about getting in the water when they were growing up. For her, it had been about posing in her bikini, especially as the salt water made her hair wild and untameable. So Nikki suspected trying to persuade her now would be a losing battle. But to her surprise, Jess threw back the covers.

‘Come on, then. Let’s go skinny-dipping.’

Nikki laughed. Jess always had to push it.

‘I’ll lend you a costume.’

‘Nik. It’s not called the secret beach for nothing. No one will be there.’

This was true. Nikki didn’t think she’d ever seen anyone on the secret beach at this hour. She was caught up in Jess’s enthusiasm. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d done something spontaneous together. They used to when they were young. The North girls had been known for their joie de vivre. Jess was the wilder of the two, of course, but it was the two of them who had made things happen: a beach barbecue, a moonlit rave, a bonfire party.

‘OK, then. I’ll grab us some towels. Let’s go.’

They must have looked slightly mad, rushing out of the back door still in their night things, down the garden, over the wall and along to the steps. Slightly out of breath, because she wasn’t so fit these days, Jess stopped at the top and looked down at the beach below. The tide was on its way in, scampering over the sand, edging closer with each set of waves. The cliffs were pin-sharp against the sky, the landscape almost as pristine and perfect as a model railway, the trees placed carefully along the skyline by some unknown hand.

‘Rik always loved coming here.’

‘Did he?’ Nikki tried to make her voice light. Could Jess hear the tension?

‘It was his happy place, he said. He used to come here to think.’

‘Oh.’ Nikki couldn’t look at her. Her chest tightened, knowing he hadn’t come here to think at all. ‘What about?’

‘I dunno. Stuff. He was quite deep, you know.’ Jess sighed. ‘Way deeper than me. He had a bit of a dark side. I think it was his upbringing. His parents. It made him sad, how they couldn’t ever make it work, and how lost he was because of it.’

Nikki rummaged for a platitude.

‘Poor Rik,’ she said in the end, which sounded incredibly lame.

‘I sometimes wonder,’ said Jess, ‘what would have happened if I hadn’t got pregnant? If life would have been different. If he hadn’t been on call that day, or had got to the station later.’

Nikki watched the waves crashing down below. She remembered them the afternoon of the storm. The way they’d loomed over her. The moment she’d wanted to call him back.

‘We wouldn’t have Juno,’ she said softly. ‘I can’t imagine life without Juno.’

‘No.’ Jess was staring at the horizon. Was she wondering the same thing Nikki had wondered for years? What had it been like, out there on the sea in that terrible storm? How long before they had known they had no chance?

‘Why are you thinking about this now?’ Nikki asked, her voice tight. The black words swam into her mind. Who else knows … ? There hadn’t been another card for a while, but the menace still hung over her.

‘I don’t know.’ Jess shook her head. ‘Maybe it’s the twenty-year thing? Everyone keeps going on about it. Zak Glazier. Like it’s bloody Glastonbury or something. Like it’s a celebration.’

‘It is,’ said Nikki. ‘It’s a celebration of their lives.’

Jess shrugged. ‘I guess I just always feel guilty, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. They died because they were brave, not because of something I did …’ She sighed. ‘I don’t know. I guess it’s impossible not to feel guilty. Don’t you?’

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