Page 69 of Stolen Beauty

“Were you… Was that your first time having sex?”

My eyes burn. “Was it that bad?”

“Are you kidding me?” He lets out a chuckle. “Hey, roll over.”

I’d prefer to dig a hole and bury myself, but I did just have sex with him. And it’s Knox. I wanted him to be my first. Time to own it.

My insides are a mix of sad and cozy, fluster and agitation. I read about this. It’s the after-sex emotions. The reason they told us teens in the hospital to be wary of sex because we were already dealing with so much. But wasn’t all that supposed to go away as an adult?

His enormous hands maneuver me so I’m curled into him, my head on his chest. He adjusts the pillows so when he lies back down, he’s propped up, then plucks at my chin with his thumb and forefinger.

“Look at me.”

I lift my eyelids to face him.

“What we just did…was amazing. I…” His gaze flits to the ceiling. “It’s been a long time since I felt that kind of connection with someone. But?—”

My gaze falls and I brace myself for whatever he might say.

“Was that your first time?”

My face heats, and I press my cheek against his chest.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

My shoulders lift.

“Hey…look at me.”

I feel like a pouty teen but force my gaze up to his. He doesn’t look angry. Maybe mystified. Maybe…amused?

“If you’d told me, I would’ve done things differently.”

“If I’d told you, you wouldn’t have done it at all.” I shift back so my head is on the pillow and I can see him. “There’s no need to make it more than it is. And I know I should’ve been honest, but given my age…I mean, it’s embarrassing.”

He lets out a snort that’s half laugh. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But you’ve waited this long. I’d think it would be important for it to be meaningful.”

My heart cracks, and I tug the sheets up to my armpit. It was meaningful to me. I’ve had a crush on you since I was twelve.

“I mean, not that it wasn’t meaningful, but?—”

“It’s okay.” My nail traces the edge of Knox’s nipple. “I know we live on opposite sides of the country. I know that once we find Sloane I won’t see you again?—”

“Says who? Don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily.”

I keep my gaze down. He did say he wants to see me again. And he’s saying it now, again, even after seeing the scar. It didn’t bother him. All those years it’s bothered me and yet he kissed the raised skin.

“Just…help me understand. Are you religious?”

“Not at all, actually.” I shift back onto the pillow. He rolls on his side so we’re facing each other. He’s not looking at me with pity, mere curiosity. “When you spend your childhood thinking someone on a cloud hates you, you open up to other philosophies. The prosperity gospel was fairly common back home, but it didn’t work for me. I received no comfort in thinking that I somehow deserved what was happening to me, and all I had to do was pray for it to be okay when that clearly wasn’t the case.” He reaches out to caress my cheek. I capture his hand and press my lips to his thumb. “Science comforts me. I prefer to understand the mechanics of my condition rather than believe someone up there played favorites. I don’t find comfort in the phrase, ‘God works in mysterious ways.’ People back home loved to say that. I never knew how to respond. Okay. Thank you? I’d rather understand. And Sloane…she’s like me. Sam too, but…it was Sloane who became a scientist. I think it had to do with her spending so much time in the hospital…you know, with me. She saw me wasting away, and…”

He brushes my hair back, leans forward, and I think he’s going to kiss me, but he rubs the tip of his nose against mine… And the intimacy, us lying here naked, lightly touching, the comfort and warmth, it’s incredible. This must be what love feels like.

He leans back on the pillow, and I miss his touch, so inch closer.

“So, not religious, but yet…” He wants an explanation for my lack of sexual experience.

“I didn’t plan on being an almost thirty-year-old virgin. It just… For a long time, I didn’t feel like having sex. I suspected, actually, that I was asexual. Which is a legitimate thing.”

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