Page 45 of Defeated

That’s the one hundred million dollar question. I’m soul sick and soul weary of constantly running from one place to the next, exhausted by the thought of this continuing to be my life, but I don’t know what comes next.

I spent years running and running, and I never thought about what I was running toward.

Going with Chris means taking a leap of faith I can’t imagine. I desperately want to believe I can find the sort of happiness and belonging I always dreamed of. But I can’t. And going back…

My throat tightens and my heart slams against my ribs at the thought of going back to the casual and not so casual cruelty I have waiting for me.

“I can’t go with you. But…” A part of me isn’t quite ready to let go of him or of this night yet.

“But…” Chris prompts.

Why not enjoy being with someone who likes me and who I like back? Why not just have tonight?

“If I wanted something more with you for tonight, but not… not for any longer than that, what would you say?”

He stares down at me for so long that I don’t think he will say anything at all.

“One night?”

I lift my chin. “If I told you how many shifters I’ve dodged who seem to view grabbing lone females as a sport, you would accuse me of making it up. I can’t give you more than a night.”

This is so out of character for me, it isn’t even funny. And even though I know it’s crazy to push for it, I don’t take it back. I think of why this would work for the both of us. He’s the perfect person to do this with. I can’t be with him, and he has his own reasons for not wanting anything permanent, either.

“I don’t have one-night stands.” His expression is impossible to read.

“Neither do I. But if I go back, then I’d like to know what it is to be with someone who actually likes me for me.”

He freezes for a split second. “Go back?”

I look away. “I’m not stupid enough to pretend I can keep going the way I have forever. Either I’ll wind up going back or end up in a much worse place than the one I left.”

“Or you could come to Winter Lake with me?”

“I can’t.”

“Because?”

If I’m not careful, I could easily fall in love with you when I’m not free to love. Not while I’m still tied to him.

My silence drags on for so long, Chris must get the message that I won’t answer.

“So this one night is something you want to have with just me?” His voice is soft.

It takes everything I have to look him in the eye and say this. “My mate said I was like a dead fish the first time we slept together. The second time, he said there was nothing about me he would ever want, and if the universe hadn’t tied us together, he never would have noticed I even existed. He got crueler over time, so I’ll spare you all the other things he compared me to. And did to me.”

My mind flashes to the freezing cold forest and the terror I would die out there.

Maybe that’s what Harlan had wanted.

Chris’s expression is utterly blank, but his eyes…

“He said that to your face?”

Shame makes it impossible to meet his gaze. Fear too, that I will see the same disgust I got so used to on Harlan’s face when he looked at me. “I know I’m not?—"

“Please don’t finish that sentence, Zoe. I’m barely holding myself together as it is,” he says with a bite in his voice. My muscles tense, thinking he’s angry at me until he shakes his head. “Don’t be afraid. It’s not you I want to rip apart with my bare hands.”

I risk peeking into his face. He’s not studying me with disgust, so I let my gaze linger. “So, I’d like to know what it is to be with someone who doesn’t look at me with disgust.”

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