Page 64 of My Worst Pucking Enemy

“Large hamburger and fries for my girlfriend...” I drape my arm over Ruby’s shoulders. “And a double cheeseburger, large fries, and slice of apple pie for me. We’d also both like milkshakes.” I grin at Ruby. “Did I get that right, boo-boo?”

The waitress makes a sour face and walks off to turn in our order.

“I’ll give you a boo-boo. Seriously, come up with a nickname that’s not painful.”

“Why, though?” I give her a puzzled look.

“Paxton Saul?” a girl cries out. She looks to be in her early twenties, wearing a very short dress and heels, and she hurries over towards me, with two friends in tow. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette... there are countless dirty jokes I could spin off of this.

“Can we sit with you?” she asks eagerly.

Ruby holds her hands up in front of her face. “I’m still here, right?” she asks me. “Am I, in fact, invisible? Wow, if I were invisible, that would actually be pretty cool. Think of all the things I could do. I would definitely use my powers for evil.”

The girls slide into the booth, facing us. Ruby elbows me.

“We’re on a date,” I tell them. Their faces fall.

“What are you doing after your date?” the redhead asks. Dang. You would think I’d get used to the aggressiveness and general rudeness of groupies, but I never have.

“Sex,” Ruby says loudly. “We’re doing sex. With each other.” I glance over at her, startled. “Isn’t that right, pooky-bear?” She leans in and pretends to kiss my ear. “Get rid of them,” she whispers.

Then she straightens up and smiles a poison-sweet smile at the girls. “My boyfriend and I would like to spend some quality time together, which means without you.”

“Yeah, girls, sorry. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I kiss Ruby on the cheek, making a loud, annoying smacking sound.

The waitress returns with our milkshakes. She sets down mine in front me gently. Then she sets down Ruby’s so hard that some of it spills.

The girls sigh, get up, and leave. One of them pauses and hands me a piece of paper. Ruby grabs it. The girl scowls at her. “Thanks!” Ruby says loudly.

Reluctantly, they walk off.

I give Ruby a huge grin. “Wow,” I say. “Look at you, pretending to be jealous. You’re a really good actress. Or are you, though? Was that acting? Because it felt pretty real from where I’m sitting.”

“It’s called method acting, you troll.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” I take a sip of my milkshake.

Ruby shakes her head at me. “Don’t flatter yourself, mother-pucker.”

17

RUBY

Yesterday I picked up Paxton’s stupid new suit from the stupid tailor and Paxton had the smuggest grin on his face ever when I delivered it to him, and yet, I did not slap him upside the head. I deserve some kind of medal. Maybe a purple heart.

Today, I’m happy because I get to hang out with Summer at the Buddy Match program. It’s located on the Lower East Side, and Paxton kindly agreed to have his driver drop me off after he and I had a very public lunch date with Rowan and Mason.

We’ve pulled up in front of the building, which has a big colorful sign showing a bunch of kids playing, and the words Buddy Match in giant primary-color letters. It brightens up the building, which is a squat, concrete affair. Kids meet here to do summer school, meet up with their Buddy Match, get counseling, learn to read, and other cool stuff.

Paxton slides out of the car and opens the door for me, as he always does.

“Well, here we are, sweetness,” Paxton says wryly.

“Thanks, but you don’t have to pretend. There’s nobody within earshot.”

“I just want to stay in practice. Let me walk you to the door, pretend we can stand each other, and then I’ll be on my merry way,” Paxton says, so I dutifully let him walk me up to the door. He grabs it and yanks it open.

“Thanks. See you next week,” I say to him. “I believe I have spent more than my legally mandated time with you this week already.” Part of me doesn’t want him to go, which is why I’m trying to get rid of him.

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