Page 81 of Mr. Monroe

I scrolled through my phone, wishing I could feel whole again. Instead, I felt outside of my body, but I still had a nagging sensation in me—it must’ve been my heart; I guess I still had one—to allow Spencer in. But as soon as I considered talking to the man, something inside me would shut down even more. It was like I had no control over the lockdown. So, thinking about Spencer was a bad idea.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” a voice said to my left.

I glanced over to see a tall frame casting a shadow as the sun rose behind him, painting beautiful hues over the city.

“Spencer?” I said with the excitement of a corpse. “What are you doing out here?”

“I could ask you the same question,” he answered me. “So, this is your little hideout, eh?” He sat by me, and I stiffened, praying to God that he wouldn’t offer a romantic gesture—yes, this was a huge problem.

All things sensual in my life had been shut down also. If this played on any longer, I would most likely check into a mental institution. Seriously. For me not to crave sex, especially with this god of a man who knew precisely how to satiate my appetite, was a major fucking problem.

“I really want to be left alone,” I said.

“I know. You’ve made that perfectly clear since your brother arrived.”

I rolled my eyes, my stomach turning, and focused on breathing. I could almost feel myself battening down the hatches, ready to hide from him deep within.

“Baby, I’m here,” he continued while I remained silent. “You need to talk to me or something.”

“I don’t need you to call me baby,” I said, feeling my blood pressure spike at the sentiment.

“Okay,” he answered, but I didn’t hear sadness or frustration in his tone this time. Whatever tone he was using on me was working. “What would you prefer I call you?”

I exhaled. “Don’t act like a dumbass,” I said, irritable.

“Fine, I won’t act like a dumbass. Instead, I’ll act like the dick most people know me as,” he said.

“That’s better,” I answered.

I heard him chuckle. “So, since I have free will to be a dick because apparently, that’s what’s helping us get through whatever this is, I’ll just come out and say it.”

“Say what?” I answered.

“What the fuck is going on with you?”

I looked over at him and frowned. “No, that’s not going to work either.” I half smiled, so torn and troubled I couldn’t find the desire for him or anything else, and I had no way to fix this.

As if Spencer read my mind and saw the scared little girl who’d just lost her mom and was forced to raise her brother while their dad physically abused them, his entire demeanor changed. He looked like he’d seen the person I truly was, and, in that instant, I felt comforted. For the first time this week, I felt like I could breathe and think.

“Shane and I talked last night,” he said, his eyes seeming to hold mine like a magnet. “Not about everything, but about his experience with your dad and how you were so protective of him. He also spoke about how Liz distanced herself from the family, leaving you alone to deal with your dad’s cruelty and everything else he took away from you.”

The wall I’d put up got lower and lower the more he spoke. He wasn’t talking to me with pity, like the man who was in love with me; instead, he was the fierce businessman I’d met so many times in Alex and Bree’s office. He was no bullshit, rigid, strong, and all fucking man, and that’s who I needed to pull me up from my knees and let me know it was okay to offload my burden.

Even though I was feeling a bit more myself, I still couldn’t manage to respond to him as he went on, so I just stared ahead, watching the rising sun.

“I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy for me when you don’t confide in me,” Spencer said, ignoring any reactions on my end, “but I understand many more of your reasons for resisting. It was stupid of me to think I’d already done enough to earn your trust.”

“It’s not that,” I said, feeling myself thaw at his words. “You’ve done more to earn my trust than any man I’ve ever met.” I looked back at him, thankful he’d pulled me back into my body. It felt like this was the first time I’d taken a breath all week.

“That’s not saying much, considering your standards and boundaries,” he said, chuckling and leaning over to kiss my shoulder, and somehow, it was like life was surging back into me.

I’d never shut down so hard and fast before, and consequently, I’d never experienced this rush of revival, coming back to life as if I were Sleeping Beauty and my handsome prince had just kissed me. This was all a mystery to me.

“I want you to know that whatever you have to tell me about the past and what you’ve been through, I’m here when you’re ready. I’ll be patient and wait to hear whatever you want to tell me, whenever you want to tell it. I meant it when I said I love you; that hasn’t changed. And just because I’m a little annoyed that you’re not confiding in me and avoiding me, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m in this. I’m learning rather quickly, that’s what it means to be in love.” He reached up, smoothing a strand of hair back and behind my ear. “You know, just in case you missed that particular memo.”

“God. You’re such a condescending ass sometimes,” I said, laughing more with relief that I’d felt this strange fog leave me and that I didn’t tense up at Spencer’s tiny, tender gesture of touching my hair. “You know that, right?”

“A condescending ass? Really?

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