Page 49 of Where We Belong

Hope shook her head and marched towards the door leading to Ziggy’s little suite of rooms. She closed it behind her, walked the few steps to his study and pushed that door open without knocking. ‘I want to know about Ben.’

Her uncle regarded her for a long moment before setting down his pen and pointing to the chair opposite his desk. ‘I’ll answer whatever questions you have, but there’s something I want to show you first.’

She’d hoped to catch him on the hop, but it was like he’d been expecting this conversation and was already prepared for it. Feeling as if the wind had been stolen from her rather indignant sails, Hope waited while he rummaged in the bottom drawer of his desk. He withdrew a single sheet of paper and handed it to her. She scanned the letterhead which indicated it was from a firm of solicitors then moved down to the bold header and then the handful of brief paragraphs beneath it.

RE: Benjamin Lawson

I am instructed by my client to request that all further attempts at communication cease and desist. He has attained his majority and has asked me to state that he has no wish to have any contact with Ms Stevie Travers or any other member of his maternal family.

To that end, I am enclosing a number of items of correspondence previously sent by Ms Travers over the past eighteen years.

I trust you will honour my client’s wishes, but should further contact be attempted, we will have no option other than to seek a legal remedy which can only bring unnecessary distress to all parties involved.

Hope checked the date. It was sent ten years ago, when Ben would’ve been eighteen according to his birth certificate. She looked up from the letter to see her uncle had placed a large box in the middle of his desk. ‘What’s that?’

With a sigh, Ziggy lifted off the lid. ‘It’s every letter your mother sent to Ben. Every card she sent on his birthday and at Christmas. All returned to her with that letter.’

Letting the letter fall from her fingers, Hope reached for the box and lifted it down onto her lap. The box was stacked high with envelopes, each one addressed in her mother’s familiar, neat hand. Beside the letters was a pile of cards, the birthday ones marked with ages, the Christmas cards a mix of funny reindeer, smiling Santas and jolly snowmen.

To my darling son.

To a wonderful son.

To a very special son.

Hope couldn’t read any more past the blur of tears and she set the box down at her feet before she could drip on any of them and risk marring their pristine surfaces. ‘He just sent them all back?’

Ziggy nodded. ‘That letter is the first and last response your mother ever received from him. And it completely devastated her. She never gave up hope, you see?’ He smiled sadly. ‘She never said as much, but I’m sure that’s what she named you for, her hope that one day you’d all be together.’

‘Oh, God.’ Hope raised a hand to her lips and pressed hard to try and hold back a sob. ‘That’s why she never told me?’

‘We wanted to tell you, but she wouldn’t have it. She was terrified when you were younger that you’d want to see your father and she didn’t want him anywhere near you.’

‘He’s not dead, then, that was another lie?’

Ziggy nodded. ‘I can’t remember how it came about but once it was clear you thought he’d died then we decided the best thing was for you to carry on believing that. I’ll apologise for most of my involvement in this, but not for that. Benjamin Lawson isn’t anyone you need in your life.’

‘That’s a decision I should’ve been able to make for myself, don’t you think?’

‘Perhaps once you’ve heard the rest of what I have to say, you’ll think differently.’ Ziggy sat back in his chair, his chin resting on steepled fingers. ‘Stevie tried everything to get your brother back, but Lawson refused. He threatened to take her to court, said he had evidence from their family doctor about her instability.’ Ziggy’s mouth twisted over that last word.

‘The only mental problem she had was the suffering he put her through. Still, your mother was worried if she pressed too hard, he’d start digging around the family for anything he could use against her and he’d find out about you. Lawson agreed that if she surrendered full custody, she could write to their son once a month and send cards at birthdays and Christmas. It wasn’t much, but it was a straw for her to cling to, so she agreed. All she could do was write, and hope that as your brother grew older, Lawson would relent and allow her access visits, but he never did. She pinned everything on Ben being able to break free of his father’s influence when he turned eighteen, but as you can see from that letter, the rot had already set too deep and he wants nothing to do with any of us. It had to be Ben’s choice to come home and when he rejected her, she couldn’t bear for you to carry the burden of that rejection as well.’

‘I still shouldn’t have kept it from you.’

Hope turned to find her mother standing in the doorway, her make-up streaked by the silent tears falling from her eyes. She wanted to go to her, to alleviate the guilt she could read on her mum’s face, to tell her it was okay. But that would be another lie, and there had been far too many of them already. ‘I’m going to try and understand why you did this, Mum,’ she said, softly. It was the best she could offer her at that moment because everything was still too raw. She had a brother out there somewhere and regardless of whatever good intentions her family had had, they’d stolen twenty-five years from both of them.

Stevie nodded. ‘That’s more than I deserve, darling, I know that.’

‘I need a little time to try and process all this,’ Hope said, rising to her feet. ‘I’m going for a walk.’ As she approached the door, her mother stepped back and Hope thought her heart might break all over again. As angry as she was, she still loved this woman who had been her everything her entire life. Leaning over, she brushed a kiss on her mum’s cheek. ‘Just give me some time,’ she said again.

When Hope entered the kitchen, Rowena was sitting at the kitchen table. She started to stand and Hope knew what she wanted, but Ro was a part of this conspiracy of silence too. Shaking her head, Hope walked past her and out the door. She kept on walking, following the paths which had been familiar to her since childhood. Past the oak tree where a piece of shredded rope still dangled from a low branch, the remnants of a long-gone tyre swing Zap had rigged up for her and Rhys to play on.

The echoes of their laughter and excited shrieks came to her, but there was no comfort to be found in old memories now she knew there was a child’s voice missing. As she stared up at the faded bit of rope, a horrifying thought occurred to her. Had Rhys known too? Had the family trusted him with this secret and not her? Fighting down a wave of nausea, she turned and started running back towards the farm.

‘Rhys? Rhys!’ Out of breath, Hope had to bend at the waist and brace her hands on her thighs as she sucked in a long draw of air and tried to still her hammering heart.

‘I’m here.’ Rhys stepped out of his office at the rear of the barn, his face a mask of pure anger. Ziggy was a step behind him, Zap on his heels. ‘They’ve just told me.’

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