Page 67 of That Secret Something

I manoeuvred my way to the front, stopping mid-step as the scene unfolded around me. Rebecca was sitting on a chair, her shirt spread wide, showing off her lovely chest and black bra as a female stripper gave her a lap dance. The tall blonde woman spun round and bent over, taking Rebecca’s hands and running them over her taut body.

My insides tightened. Two strippers? She’d kept that detail to herself. No wonder she’d insisted on organising the dancers.

In the meantime, Lily screamed with delight as the male stripper ripped off his trousers and threw them at her. It seemed both Lawson sisters were getting their money’s worth. But did Lily know anything about Tyler’s doubts?

My gaze fell back on Rebecca. So much for looking after things while I was away. I knew it was only a bit of fun, but out of everyone in the room, why did it have to be her being gyrated on? I hated the idea of her being with somebody else, and seeing it acted out in my own living room was close to the stuff of my nightmares.

I couldn’t watch this. I weaved through the crowd gathered in my apartment, hoping nothing was irreparably damaged, and went to find some space.

Inside the confines of my bedroom, the music still thumped through the walls, along with the guests’ cheers and hollers at whatever was happening in the living room. I didn’t want to know. My heart beat hard against the music.

I looked about the room, trying to find something to anchor to, but I was careening around in my head, my thoughts erratic and sad.

Tyler. Lily. Rebecca.

I sat on my bed, not liking the pull of jealousy in my chest. I knew it wasn’t a friend to me. I knew it only served as a defence mechanism to remind me I was playing with fire. I hated the panic that mingled itself in my blood, that wouldn’t let go. Tyler’s words echoed in my head. Enjoy yourself. Have a little fun.

Somehow, I’d thought I’d changed. My relationship with Rebecca had pushed me out of my comfort zones in more ways than one. My libido had skyrocketed, and I was learning to appreciate parts of myself that I’d thought were unlovable.

Yet here I was once again, all alone, hiding away from the crowd. I was still that Jess. The loner. The one unable to watch her girlfriend getting attention from a beautiful female dancer because of her low self-esteem.

Overwhelmed by the music, by the people, by the pressure of ‘having a good time’. Of having to please, to perform, to be what people expected me to be. Was I incapable of letting go completely?

Maybe the problem was me? Just how different was I really from the Jess that Rebecca took to prom? Did I have any right to be annoyed?

My bedroom door flung open, the music blasting loud. Rebecca stuck her head in, her cheeks pink and her hair a little dishevelled. I hated how my body recoiled at the thought of the woman doing that to her. Would it be wrong to throw cake at the stripper?

I hated feeling everything all the time.

“Everything alright?” she asked, her gaze passing over me.

“Yeah. I just needed a moment.” I looked down at the cream carpet, unable to meet her eyes.

“Anything I can do?” She inched inside and closed the door behind her, silencing some of the excited screams. “Do you mind if I put on the light?”

I hadn’t even realised I’d been sitting in the dark, but the dark was a comfort. Less stimulating. It let me fade into its depths.

“Just a bedside one,” Rebecca continued when I didn’t answer. “Not the big one.”

“Okay.”

She padded across the carpet and flicked on the warm light before sinking down next to me on the bed. Her warm body pressed up against mine. We didn’t speak for a few moments, but I felt the need to.

I sighed. “You don’t need to babysit me, you know. I’m fine.”

“I don’t think you need babysitting. Just wondered if you wanted some company. It’s a little mad out there.”

I winced a little, trying not to let the worries take over my brainwaves. At least I’d had the sense to move all the breakables from the sides and store them in the cupboards. It wouldn’t be so bad, right?

Rebecca placed her arm around my shoulder, pulling us closer together. I hated how much I wanted to lean into her, to selfishly let her soak up my sadness. I wanted to fight the feeling. I didn’t know why I was suddenly so afraid.

“You don’t have to stay in here,” I said. “You’re missing all the party. I don’t want to keep you from having a good time.”

“You’re not keeping me from anything.”

“Even the stripper?”

The words cut through the darkness.

---