Page 55 of That Secret Something

Smooth, Jess.

“Okay.” She tried to hide the shock, but I caught it in the widening of her eyes. She squashed her mouth into a line as she leaned back into the sofa. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

I was a little taken aback by her reaction. Was she mad at me for breaking the casual-dating law? Or surprised that someone else might find me attractive?

I sat up. “I didn’t realise someone wanting to date me would be so flabbergasting. Is it really that far out of the ordinary?”

She chuckled, and for some reason, that really raised my hackles.

“What’s funny?”

“Flabbergasted. That’s another good word.”

Anger flared in my chest. “I’m not joking. Did you think I’m just your plaything, Rebecca? Fuck me until the thrill is gone and then on with the next one? That’s not me. I’m more than that.”

“Woah. Woah. What’re you talking about?”

“You! I’m just a convenience, aren’t I?” Oh god. I’ve read this all wrong. I was convenient and available. Nothing more. My stomach twisted, and I stood up, needing to put some space between us.

Rebecca followed me, grabbing my arm. “Jess, what’re you talking about?”

I shrugged her off, my heart racing. “I thought I could do this. Casual. With you. But I can’t. Not like this.”

She chewed on her lip thoughtfully. “I thought this might happen.”

I snorted a laugh. “Because I’m so predictable? Too easy?”

“What? That’s not what I meant.”

“This isn’t a joke to me. It’s not a joke. I—” Tears filled my eyes, and she moved into my eyeline, but I couldn’t look at her.

“Why on earth would you think this is a joke to me?” she asked.

A hole opened in my chest, burning with an intense ache. This was so not how I wanted this to go. Tears slid down my cheeks, and I hated myself for it.

How was I supposed to be around her now? Plan the wedding for her sister? This was a nightmare. The breath squeezed from my lungs, constricting and tightening me into a ball. I tried to inhale, but it wasn’t enough.

“I can’t—breathe—”

She ran her hands up and down my arms. “It’s okay, Jess. Breathe. In. Out. Steady. It’s okay.”

It took a round of twelve, but I finally got my breathing under control.

“Jess. Look at me. Please.”

I couldn’t look into those eyes of hers. I couldn’t bear to face what I’d lost. What I could’ve had. What was never mine.

“Please,” she said softly.

I forced my gaze to hers, floored by the emotion they held. Those perfect greens were glassy and red, sadness emanating from them. She caressed my cheek, and I sobbed. The touch was so gentle. So perfect. It hurt all the more.

“I don’t know why you would ever think this was a joke to me,” she said again, her fingers brushing stray tears across my cheek. “I know the nature of our arrangement can be confusing, but if I’ve ever given you the impression that I don’t take this seriously, that’s on me, and I’m really sorry about that.” She sighed, shaking her head. “It couldn’t be further from the truth. And actually, a lot of what you said are things that I fear. You are more than this. I think you deserve the best the world has to offer, and I don’t think that’s me. You deserve someone who has their shit together. I mean, what can I offer you, really?”

“That’s ridiculous.”

Her eyes widened. “What?”

I exhaled. “All I want is you. For as long as I can remember, it’s always been you.”

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