Page 116 of A Cursed Son

“Marlak. We were going to the coronation at the Court of Bees. But we don’t have to go.” My words sound so pointless and silly.

I want to comfort him, caress his hair, but I don’t know if it will pull me again into that despair. And yet I can’t let him go on like this. It’s too much pain for one person to bear.

Trust the light to guide you.

I’ll have to trust. Imagining that light surrounding me, I wrap my hand around his left wrist, that wrist with the rough, scarred skin.

And then I’m in darkness, despair taking over my mind. It’s either fire or darkness, and they’re both horrific, all-consuming. I don’t know if I should try to run or simply let it devour me.

No. Those are not my thoughts. Focusing on the light, I imagine that I’m holding a ball of light in my left hand, a ball so bright, powerful and brilliant that it can wash away all that despair.

I find myself in the hallway of a palace, my feet bare, stepping on polished wooden planks. The walls are made of a pink marble, everything illuminated by light sconces. There’s a thick wooden door in front of me. Behind it, I can sense that there’s only pain. I want to turn away and run, but I can’t.

I open the door, and heavy, dark smoke greets me. I expand my ball of light to shield me from it. There’s fire, so much fire, and so much pain. That sense of despair and dread settles over me again, but I brave it and step forward.

This is not real, and I can cross the fire, I can cross the smoke. It doesn’t look like it, though, and as I approach the wall of flames, painful heat bites my skin.

No. This is not real. Even then, I focus on my light and imagine a shield strong enough to keep those flames and that noxious smoke away.

I have to cross it, and slowly, I do.

In a corner, I see him. It’s Marlak, but not Marlak now, but when he was much younger. He’s crying, calling his mother, the side of his body freshly burned. And yet it’s not the physical pain that’s disturbing him. It’s his loss. Horrific loss consuming him like fire.

I kneel by him. “Marlak. You’re no longer here. It’s a memory. There’s life and friendship and love for you out there.”

His eyes are filled with tears, and all he can do is look at me and shake his head.

“You’re brave,” I say softly. “You can get up and leave.”

“I did.” His words come among sobs. “It changed nothing. I don’t want to be brave.”

What can I tell him? That there’s fresh air outside? That he can leave? If he’s feeling the despair I was feeling, there’s no point.

A solution then comes to my mind. I need to shield him from those thoughts, from that pain, that despair. I sit beside him and embrace him, enveloping him in that healing light.

“It’s over. You’re no longer there, Marlak.”

“I’m always there. Always there. It never goes away.”

His voice is different, not the young teen voice I just heard. I look again, and we’re kneeling in the forest by the Court of Bees Palace.

Marlak is staring at me, his eyes wide, while his fingers clutch the pendant in his necklace. “I’m always there,” he repeats. “I’m…” Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath. “I’m not afraid of fire. It’s just…”

I almost tell him it’s fine, that he doesn’t have to explain, but it’s as if he’s ashamed and trying to justify himself, and I don’t want to interrupt him.

He fiddles with his pendant. “That memory is always there, deep within my mind. I never left that moment, Astra. But I can push it away. Push it down, maybe. I feel like I’m always standing on a thin layer of ice, separating me from those thoughts. But it’s so thin, it can break so easily… Sometimes, when I see fire…” He closes his eyes. “I know it’s ridiculous.”

“It’s not ridiculous.”

“It is. It’s ridiculous, wife.” He swallows. “And now you know it.” He’s pale, sweating, but at least his breathing has slowed down.

“You’re not your trauma, you’re the person who overcame it.”

He releases a bitter chuckle and lets go of the pendant he was holding. “But I never did. I never did.” His eyes are brilliant with unshed tears, and he’s still trembling.

“You did, Marlak. You got out of that room, you’re here. You’re helping Lidiane. Protecting me. You saved my life.”

He blinks and takes a deep breath. “I know.”

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