Page 64 of Marrying the Nanny

“And then what? I get my pick?” She blindly looked toward the village, annoyed with herself for her lingering self-esteem issues and how sensitive she was in revealing them.

“No.” His stern tone drew her head around again. “Their idea of a fixed address is wherever the boat is anchored or whatever the nearest mile marker reads. When they travel, they’re gone for months. If I leave town, it’s for a couple of days to see my mother or an occasional midweek business trip. I want Storm, Emma. I can’t believe those words are coming out of my mouth, but the more I think about it, the more I do. I just…don’t know how to be a parent. Not a good one.”

“So you’ll marry a consultant? That was a joke,” she said quickly as his expression tightened. “I don’t know how to process this, Reid.”

“If it’s too radical, I’ll drop it right now.”

He was searching her expression, making her squirm internally, mostly because she didn’t hate the idea. Which was crazy. They were talking about marriage. She had always had firm beliefs around that institution, privately judging her divorced friends for giving up too easily—until she’d been in the same rocky boat. She had tried really hard to make her own marriage work and only realized after the fact that it took two.

“Marriage isn’t something on my radar. It sucks to fail at it.” She rubbed her upper arms even though she wasn’t cold. “I swore I wouldn’t try again for any reason except falling in love.” And she had ceased to believe that emotion existed as anything but a state of self-delusion.

“You love Storm,” he pointed out gently.

A poignant joy worked through her as she watched Storm respond to her name by smiling expectantly at Reid.

“I do.” Emma chuckled, drawn to rub Storm’s narrow back.

Storm tilted out of Reid’s arms and Emma took her, closing her eyes as the baby’s weight hit her arms. Intense emotion washed over her. She would never have to let this baby go. Never ever.

She opened her eyes and the newly unobstructed view off the balcony filled her blurry gaze. It was so vast. Perched up here at the top of the house, she felt as though she stood on a cliff, nothing to catch her if she fell. It was dizzying and dangerous, but glorious.

A visceral thrill broadened in her even as her brain tried to get a better grip on what he was suggesting.

“Are you thinking we would divorce later, after I got permanent residency? Because governments hate that sort of thing. I wouldn’t want to risk getting deported and never be able to come back.”

“I know.” His expression was sober and watchful. “We’d have to make an honest effort at being married.”

“Like…sex?” Another tree tipped out of view. “Do you even want to marry me?” The question blurted out of her. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, marry another man who didn’t want her.

His mouth opened, shut.

She hugged Storm, bracing herself.

“I was never going to get married because of Mom. She needs a lot from me. It’s a tough ask of a partner to come second as often as my situation demands. I’m not a catch, Em.”

Her, either, and he hadn’t answered her question. She decided it was easier not knowing when she had something important to explain.

Except it was hard.

She moved to sit Storm in the playpen. She tended to tip and roll and wind up on her stomach, but she reached for the colorful fabric book with the textures and squeaky inserts and brought it to her mouth.

“Before we go any further, you should know”—Emma’s lungs seized up. She walked away, chest tight, throat aching—“I can’t have babies.”

He stood at the glass doors, the dulled noise of the chainsaw the only sound for a moment.

She blurted out the rest before humiliation had her curling up in a ball.

“Kevin gave me chlamydia. I had it for years and only found out when I wasn’t conceiving. They treated it, but I have scar tissue.” Nothing healed how used she felt, though. She’d been lied to. Cheated. “I can’t get pregnant and probably couldn’t carry to term if I tried IVF. Maybe with a surrogate I could make a baby with my egg, but…”

She wasn’t dismissing the idea altogether, but after the emotional roller coaster of failing to conceive and learning why, she had stopped envisioning a future that included pregnancy.

“That’s a really shitty thing he did to you.”

“Not just me!” Emma choked out a laugh. “Dozens of women. He should be arrested. I wanted to take an ad in the paper when I found out. My parents gagged me from telling anyone. Although, I told a few friends. Word got round, which contributed to that whole debacle over whether I would be invited to Christmas. Everyone was taking sides and no one was on mine.”

“I’m really sorry, Em. I can’t believe they chose him over you.”

“Me, either.” She tried to steady her trembling mouth, but her whole body was quivering with old rage and fresh helplessness. “My whole life, I was looking forward to having kids. I was the most popular babysitter in the neighborhood and took my niece and nephew so often, people in the shops thought they were mine. For three years, I begged Kevin to start trying. He kept putting me off, but if we’d started sooner, the infection might have been discovered before it made me sterile for life. But I was the jerk who was overreacting.”

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