Page 64 of Rapture and Ruin

“The other medical supplies are in my closet. Top drawer in the dresser.”

I nod and head to his closet, digging through unmatched socks until I find the little medical kit. When I walk back into the bathroom, Jovan is cleaning the blood from his face. His lip is swollen and dark circles are beneath his eyes.

He looks like he’s been sleeping as much as I have through this entire process.

“Hadley,” he says as I put the medical kit on the counter and open it up. “Your hands are shaking. Are you alright?”

I take another deep breath, my heart thudding against my chest. The needle twitches in my hand, even as I try to put the thread through the eye.

“Hadley.” His tone is stern as he takes the needle from my hand. “You don’t need to stitch me up right this second. Take a minute to tell me what is wrong. I don’t want any other ugly scars.”

Despite the panic that keeps rolling through me in waves, I laugh and put the thread down. “I don’t know where to start.”

“At the beginning is usually a good place.”

I run my hand through my hair. “I don’t know. I keep thinking that I’m going to be like my parents.”

“You’re not a drug addict.”

“No, but where do you think I learned to take bullets out of people?” My chest constricts a little. “My dad was shot once or twice. Maybe more than that. I honestly don’t remember. They used to get me to pull the bullet out because my fingers were small. I could get in there better than the tweezers could. Now look at me. I’m still doing the same kind of shit, just with a man far more dangerous than the two of them ever were.”

“Do you honestly think I would do anything to hurt you, Hadley? Because if you do, then I think we need to think long and hard about where this relationship is going.”

“No. I don’t think that you would hurt me but I do think I’m in over my head. I’m hanging around the cartel and I know they did too. I keep thinking that being near the cartel is what’s going to ruin my life the way it ruined theirs.”

Jovan grabs my hand and pulls me to him. He pulls me down until I’m sitting on his knee. As I gently perch there, he wraps an arm around my waist.

“I knew your parents. At least, I knew of them. They came to me once and asked for a forgiveness of their debt.”

I swallow hard. “Did they get their debt forgiven?”

Jovan gives me a sad look. “Nobody gets their debt forgiven. Especially not then. I had only been in charge of the cartel for a couple of years at that point. I couldn’t seem weak, no matter how much they begged. I had to make sure that people knew I wasn’t a person to fuck over or take advantage of.”

I don’t know what to think about that or how to process it. Jovan’s hand drifts up and down my side as he kisses my shoulder.

“That was the second time that they came to me. It was the last time that I saw them before their death. To be honest, I had forgotten about them for a long time. They were just two other drug addicts in a long line of others looking to get more drugs for less.”

My breath hitches and I get up from his lap. My hands are still shaking as I grab the cloth and wipe away the rest of the blood that is starting to pool on his arm.

“Hadley, the first time they saw me, they wanted a loan. I gave it to them. They told me they had a daughter that they needed to support. Showed me your picture.”

I bite back the tears that threaten to fall as I put down the cloth and grab the needle. “I don’t know what to say to that. To be honest, I don’t know what your point is. The only time that they gave a shit about me was when they needed me for something. The second I was done being useful to them, I stopped mattering.”

“The point is that you are nothing like your parents. Not even a little bit. You don’t come to the cartel asking for shit. You could have asked me for money for your schooling at any point and I would have happily handed it over. Instead, you worked for everything you have.”

I thread the needle and take another deep breath before starting to stitch shut the wound. “I don’t know about that. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I can see glimpses of them. The harder parts of me are them.”

“No,” he says, wincing when I pull the needle through a little too tight. “The harder parts of you are you. They are what happened when you survived the shit you had to go through. They made you who you are and they made you the kind of woman who is going to make sure that our baby has the best life possible.”

The first tear slips down my cheek as I finish stitching him up. “Thank you for that.”

“I mean it, Hadley. When I think about having a baby with you, I think about how lucky that baby is going to be. They get to be loved by you and that’s the best thing that could ever happen.”

I wipe away the rest of the blood and smile, even as my vision blurs from the tears. “Thank you for saying that.”

“Come on,” Jovan says as he stands up. “I could use a shower to get the rest of the blood off. You could help me and count my bruises.”

“I did that the last time you were beat up.” I couldn’t even believe it when I saw him that morning. How had he even gotten home by himself is beyond me. I’m shaking my head. He’d gotten into bed with me after our fight and hadn’t uttered a single word about his pain, while he held me all night long. This man can surprise me in ways I can’t even imagine. “I’m not sure I want to do that again,” I say, kissing his cheek as I gather the bloody supplies. “What do you want done with this?”

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