Page 18 of Resilience

“But not love. Even after a year together.”

Now he turned to her. She was crying and trying not to, and he felt like a complete asshole. But he could not pretend to feel something he didn’t feel. “When things between us are good, I feel like maybe I will love you someday. But we fight so much, Lark. I think it gets in the way.” He owed her more, so he said the thing he was most afraid was true. “Or maybe I’m not capable of being in love like that. I never have been yet. Maybe I just can’t.”

That made her laugh through her tears, and Sam frowned as offense started to make a fuss in his chest. “That’s funny?”

Still laughing, but without a trace of humor, Lark shook her head. “Funny as in pathetic, maybe.”

“Why?” Now he truly was offended.

She shifted on the bench seat to face him. In the early days, she always sat right at his side, but for the past few months she’d rarely done so, and he was just realizing it as a change. “When I said you love her, I meant you’re in love with her.”

“What? No, I’m not. No way.”

“Yes, you are. She’s the first person you always think about.”

“Best. Friend. For my whole life. Remember?”

“You prioritize her over everything else. I think even if your club called when you were with her, you’d ignore it and stay with her.”

“That’s just not true. I’ve been with her plenty of times when I got called to the clubhouse. I never ignore that call.”

“But if she needed you, you would.”

Sam couldn’t say for sure what he’d do if he were honestly needed where he was when he got called to do something for the club, whether he was with Athena or Lark or anybody else. He’d never been in a position to choose one need over another. So he simply shook his head.

“Yes,” Lark countered. “Athena is the first person in your head and your heart. Everything else comes second.”

“She’s family. She’s like my twin sister.”

“Like your sister. She’s not your sister. Not really.”

Sam thought about how, when they were younger, their moms and aunts, and a few of the men, too, made a weird fuss about how they were ‘so cute’ together and what a sweet ‘couple’ they’d make. Athena and he had talked about it whenever it happened, and they’d both been grossed out by the very idea. It would be like incest.

They had never even dabbled in sexual contact. When they were kids and everybody was playing doctor or whatever, figuring out everybody’s parts, Sam and Athena had done nothing of the sort. It had never occurred to him, and as far as he knew—and he knew pretty far—Athena was the same. It didn’t matter that they didn’t share DNA. They’d shared lots of other stuff, including a playpen.

When Sam got lost in his head and didn’t reply, Lark asked, “Do you think she’s pretty?”

“I have eyes, Lark. I know she’s beautiful. That doesn’t mean I want to be with her like that.”

Lark stared at him for an uncomfortably long time. Then she wiped her face and took a deep breath. “I don’t believe I’m doing this. I wish you weren’t such a fucking good guy, so I could just call you a bastard and leave you bumbling around like an idiot. But even when you’re ripping my insides apart, you’re trying to do it kindly. Failing, but trying. And hell, maybe I can save the next poor girl from this. So.” She took a deep breath and put a finger up. “She’s your first priority in your whole life.” A second finger came up. “You know everything about her and go out of your way to make her happy.” A third finger. “When there’s any kind of tension or conflict between her and me, you come down on her side every time. She’s the one you protect and defend.”

Now her pinky went up. “Even now, while I’m sitting here crying while you break my heart and you’re sitting here feeling like an asshole for hurting me, you still say you love her and you don’t love me.” Finally her thumb. “When I asked if you think she’s pretty, you answered that you know she’s beautiful.” Her hand dropped to her lap. “You’re in love with her, Sam. I believe this really is news to you. Maybe you haven’t seen it because she’s always been there and it snuck up on you. But it’s obvious from the outside. I knew it almost right away, but you insisted it wasn’t true, and I liked you so much...” She sucked in a deep, fast breath. “I wanted it not to be true. Looking at you now, I think you want it not to be true, too. But it is. It’s not because you’re incapable of love that you can’t love me. It’s not because we fight. It’s not because I’m not lovable. It’s because you’re already in love and probably have been for a long time. I never had a chance.”

Sam knew he should say something. He should deny it and reassure her. But the way she’d laid out her evidence was fucking with his head. He’d never thought of his feelings for Athena so ... clinically before, and now it was as if he was thinking about it for the first time.

Was Lark right? Was the reason he’d always sucked so bad at romantic relationships that he’d already been in a romantic relationship and hadn’t fucking known it?

God, that would be terrible. He couldn’t be in love with Athena. It would ruin everything. He’d lose everything. If he was in love with her—no, no way, absolutely not—he was alone in it. Athena loved him like a brother, as she expected him to love her. (As he did love her, dammit.) They were Frodo and Samwise, arms locked together against the trials of their journey.

In The Lord of the Rings it was Sam who’d fallen in love and gotten married while Frodo sailed off alone. But Frodo was inside right now with her boyfriend, and seeing as how he and Lark had been sitting out here for ten minutes without any sign of either of them, they were probably fucking right now.

The thought gave him a sour feeling in his gut—and now that he was thinking about it, that sour feeling was way too damn familiar.

Jesus. No.

“Yes,” Lark answered, and Sam registered that he’d said those two words aloud.

She reached across the cab and slipped her hand around his. “Here’s the thing, Sammy. I love you. I’ve been in love with you for a while now. I think that’s why I’ve acted like I have. I kept hoping and hoping that, when things got serious enough with us, your attention would turn more toward me. But that’s never going to happen, and it’s not because I’m not good enough, or I need to change something about myself. It’s because your heart is taken. And I don’t like who I’ve become while I’ve tried to wait for you to love me.” She squeezed his hand and let go, putting her fingers to her face to dab tears from her eyes. “I’m gonna go back to Tulsa. I’m sorry if this fucks up your birthday party, but I can’t do this anymore, Sam. I deserve better. And you should tell Athena how you really feel about her. Because I think she’s in love with you, too.”

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