Page 75 of Our Ruined Beginnings

Harper

There’salightnessinmy gait as I make my way back to the dorms.

Having spent most of yesterday evening with Caleb, leaving Arizona again felt almost impossible, but he wouldn’t hear anything about me staying longer. Apparently, I need to be here while he finishes up his recuperation.

Personally, I think he’s just enjoying being the center of attention while laid up in that hospital bed—something I’m taking great pleasure in teasing him for—but I also know he does need to focus on himself and getting home. The last thing he needs is to be worrying about Madden or me.

However, I think he’s rather enjoyed waking up in a world where his current predicament isn’t the most dramatic thing happening and is grateful for the distraction of us.

He even finds great delight in regaling me with all the details now coming to light about the incident. He promises revenge, and if that’s what he wants, then so be it.

It turns out that my canceled card was the least of my family’s money issues, and the person my father looked to as his saving grace was none other than Evan’s father. Caleb and his dad are sure that’s how the investigation was closed so quickly, and why the blame fell onto me with minimal police involvement. It’s not surprising. The Dickenses’ influence is powerful, and I had nobody in my corner to fight with me—nor did I realize what I was fighting against—but I can’t bring myself to think about it too much right now.

So far, the deal on the table is that no charges will be brought against Madden, and Evan will go to rehab to kick the nasty drug habit he seems to have fallen into. Though, I have a feeling the Taylors aren’t going to let him get off that easily.

For me, I don’t have the same craving for justice that Caleb does, and as long as he and Madden are well and together, no one else matters to me.

Somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost the point in all of this. The bullying, the torment, the guilt, the pain, the hate. Endless months that lead to everything and nothing. Love that turned into hatred and then bloomed into something more, but less than it always was. Caleb waking up put everything into perspective. Life is short, and tragedies happen.

Do I really want to push away something I desperately want for fear of it going wrong? Surely the fear of missing it all is worse?

I wasn’t lying when I said to Caleb that I don’t know where we go from here, but I’d be lying if I said I could walk away wonderingwhat if. As if he knows I’m thinking about him, my phone vibrates, and I pull it out of my pocket to see Caleb’s face flashing on the screen. I answer the video call as I walk into my building.

“Hey,” I say to his smiling face. “Miss me already?”

“Just making sure you got back okay.”

“I texted you when we landed,” I say, narrowing my eyes at his beaming smile. “What are you so happy about?”

“Am I not allowed to be happy, H? Life is good.”

“I guess…” He doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t hang up either, and I look at the screen questioningly. “What’s with you?”

“I just wanna see your face when…”

“When what?” I hold the phone up as best I can to give him what he wants, because he’s my best friend and I’m a sucker. Fiddling with the key in my other hand, I push the door open to my room, and my mouth drops open.

“When that,” Caleb chuckles. “And screenshot. Beautiful, H.” I snap my mouth shut and halfheartedly glare at him, but my attention is well and truly taken by the boy who looks just like him standing in the middle of my room. “Have fun!”

I slide my phone into my pocket and take the whole scene in. I think there must be a thousand flowers in here. And not just any flowers—lilies. The room smells divine, and there’s not one flat surface free, bouquets even sat on the floor. Madden stands awkwardly in the middle, apprehension lining his face, and I hate it. I realize I never want him to question us.

Even if he’s made me feel like that recently—put us through the worst lows—I don’t take an ounce of satisfaction from seeing the same feelings in him. At all. That might make me weak, or stupid, or naive, but I don’t care. I prefer to think of it as loving hard and unafraid. I’d rather get hurt and live unapologetically than keep my cards to my chest and not feel as deeply as I currently do. For him.

“Harper,” he breathes, as if my name is his salvation. “I don’t even know where to start.” He takes a deep inhale and straightens his shoulders. “I’m sorry. So fucking sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make the last months up to you. I should probably leave you to move on, find someone who hasn’t got this history with you, but I can’t. I can’t even imagine not spending the future with you, so I am going to earn your forgiveness somehow. I don’t deserve you. Not right now; maybe not ever. But I’ll work at it every day for the rest of my life. I swear I will.” His words warm me from the inside, thawing the last of the chill around my heart.

“You don’t hate me?”

“No, baby. I never hated you. I hated myself because I couldn’t forget you, couldn’t let you go, even though…” He trails off, and that’s fine, because we both know the reason. I don’t want to relive that again. It’s done. Our mistakes and faults are in the past, and that’s where they can stay.

“It really felt like you hated me,” I say, my voice breaking at the end, and Madden’s restraint snaps. He moves toward me instantly. His hands cup my face, and I gaze up into his bright green eyes.

“Never. I love you, Harper. Probably since that first day in second grade, and definitely every day since. I’ve made a million mistakes, but throughout it all, I’ve loved you, and I’ll show you that in every way imaginable from here on out.”

“Okay,” I whisper, and he frowns, confusion and shock on his face.

“Okay?”

“Okay. I don’t want to waste any more time. Life is unpredictable and goes by so quickly. I want to live it how I want for as long as I can.”

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