Page 70 of Our Ruined Beginnings

Watching Harper walk away from me feels like a knife to the chest. Every nerve in my body screams. The overwhelming need to follow her—to beg her to stay—sinks into my muscles, but I don’t…

Because she’s right.

My chest aches as her words reverberate through my mind. Her accusations—all of them true. I haven’t been who she needs at all, not since graduation, and though I know I can’t make up for any of what I’ve done, I need to find a way to prove to her that I can be who she needs now.

If anyone asked me before winter break, I’d have said finding out Harper hadn’t done it—hadn’t crashed the car that put my brother in a coma—would be a great thing. It would have made everything better.

Now, though? After everything I’ve put her through? Watching idly while her light dimmed and being the person who doused her flame? Forcing us both to suffer through the worst times of our lives alone?

It’s almost worse to know it was all for nothing.

I hurt the one person who has never let me down, all because somebody else told me she was at fault. Really, there was no reason at all to blame Harper, and knowing this after realizing I no longer blame her at all sits heavy on my chest.

I should’ve been there for her, been better for her, and let her be there for me.

Now, I don’t deserve her.

I wish I was a big enough person to let that mean anything to me, because deep within my heart, I know it’s true. I do not deserve Harper Delaney, and I should let her go, but fuck if that’s gonna keep me from working my ass off to change that, even if I have to do it every day for the rest of my life.

Heaving a deep breath, I force myself to turn away from the path she took, ignoring the weight that sinks into my stomach like lead. I start in the direction of my dorm, but stop suddenly, switching courses. The moment I go back there, I have to deal with the fallout of everything with Evan, and I’m not quite ready for that yet.

Instead, I wander aimlessly through campus, realizing too late that I’ve made my way toward the soccer field.

The stands are empty, the grass devoid of life, much like my heart right now.

I take a seat, resting my feet against the rickety chairs.

Time drags by slowly as I sit here, the world continuing to turn while I dwell on where the hell I go from here.

Harper wants nothing to do with me, and a better man would respect that. But I won’t. Ican’t.For as long as I’ve known her, that girl has been everything I’ve seen in my future. Even these months, where I’ve fought hard against our connection, pushing her away whenever she managed to get close, that reminder of us—of what we could be if I hadn’t fucked it all up by listening to Evan instead of giving her a chance—constantly lingered.

And why? What on earth made his word more reliable than hers?

I rack my brain, going over our years of friendship to try and come up with an answer, but I have none. In truth, it all comes back to me. Had I not spent so long playing some stupid game with Harper back then, I can’t help but wonder if we’d even be in this position now.

The night of the party, when it all came crashing down, I should have been there with her. I should have never let her go.

Maybe it was easier to blame her than to admit my own blame in all of this.

I close my eyes, the realization dousing the remaining fire in my veins. It’s simple. I blamed her so I didn’t have to blame myself. What a fucking coward.

I needed her—truly felt how intrinsic she was to my happiness—and instead of embracing that and being there for her, I pushed her away. Tried to prove I was fine without her; that she wasn’t the girl I’d hyped her up as in my head. That she wasn’t perfect—in fact, she was far from it. But it was all false.

“Madden!” Kinsley’s voice brings me back to the present, her eyes wide as I turn to face her.

My brow furrows in confusion. “Kins? What’s going on? Is everything okay? Is it Harper?”

“It’s Caleb.” My heart skips a beat, my hands growing clammy at her words, but before I can ask any more questions, she laughs. She stands in the rain, laughing, full of relief and maybe even hope. “He’s awake, Madden. Caleb is awake.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Madden

Mysneakersbounceagainstthe vinyl, but the sound is drowned out by the thumping of blood in my ears. Without even heading back to my dorm to get my phone, I abandoned Kinsley at the pitch and headed straight for the airport, buying dry clothes and shoes when I got there. I regretted it the second I’d settled onto the plane and my mind quieted for a second. I couldn’t get hold of Harper. She must know if Kinsley told me, but would she come? I spent the rest of the journey wishing she was there next to me, her hand tucked in mine.

Anticipation washes over me as I grab a car to the hospital. Happiness and hope swallow the remaining sorrow as I rush down the corridor, straight for a room I know all too well.

This time, though, when my palm ricochets against the wood, pushing it open until it slaps against the wall, I’m faced with something new.

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