Page 40 of Our Ruined Beginnings

“Maybe.”

It’s quiet for a moment, the beeps seeming to get louder the longer the silence drags on.

“I don’t have to, you know.”

She’s giving me an out. I could easily tell her no—that I don’t know if I can handle having her in my space, so close again. That would be fair, right?

But Mom said she wasn’t in a good way. For some reason, despite the torment I’ve put her through, I don’t want her to be miserable at someone else’s hand. And I’ve seen what her father’s hands can do. I’d never be able to live with myself if I sent her back there knowing that.

“It’s fine.”

“Yeah?” she asks, her big, brown eyes so hopeful that I feel like I’m mesmerized.

“Yeah.”

A breath blows out of her as her shoulders sink in relief, though she tries to hide it.

“I’ll give you some peace,” she says, pressing her lips to the back of Caleb’s hand before she unlinks their fingers and picks her bag up from next to the chair as she stands. I don’t think she’ll say anything else, but she pauses in the doorway with her back to me.

“Thank you, Madden.”

It’s been a long fucking time since I heard my name from her mouth without a negative emotion wrapped around it.

I sit exactly where I am for a few minutes after she’s gone, then drag my chair closer to Caleb and take his other hand. If he knew how much I’d held it in the last five months he’d be taking the piss right now. Maybe I’ll admit to it when he wakes up.Ifhe wakes up. The doctors are mostly optimistic, though they can’t say when or what state he’ll be in when that happens. Me, not so much.

Five months of watching your twin brother waste away in a coma tends to make you see the world in shades of black and gray after a while. If his brain function is so normal, what’s keeping him from us?

“If you were here, things would be better,” I tell him truthfully. “Nothing works without you, bro. School fucking sucks. Evan is drinking all the time, snorting whatever the fuck he can get his hands on, and Harper…” Sighing, I flick my gaze to the photo of her and him that sits on the stand beside his bed. “I’m pretty sure she’s drowning … and I’m the one holding her head under the water.”

I sit there for hours, spilling my soul out to the quiet room, knowing I’ll not get a response. Maybe it’s easier to tell Caleb all these things—all the guilt I feel, the rage and the sorrow. He can’t answer back. He can’t tell me I’m stupid or make me see reason. It’s nice that way. Cathartic, like a therapy session that no one can judge.

Chapter Seventeen

Harper

IditheraboutwhetherI should go to the Taylors’ for so long it’s almost dark by the time I get there. I called Sam again from the hospital, because apparently, I’m still cut off from the family expenses, and I didn’t take my own car. Even if Mrs. Taylor hadn’t picked me up from the café nearby, I don’t think I’d have had the guts to go back and get my own car. It’ll probably sit there unused until the engine seizes and the battery dies.

I let out a long sigh as I weigh up my options and realize they’re minimal. I could call Kinsley. I know she’d have me stay, but her parents will ask questions if I’m there for the whole holiday, and I don’t want to discuss any of this with them. They’re nice enough people, but they’ve always been super overprotective of her, and I’m sure they’re not happy she’s still hanging out with me after everything.

Sam catches my eye in the rearview mirror and gives me a sympathetic smile. He already offered to have me stay with him, but I couldn’t do that to his family. I’m sure they’re all looking forward to their Christmas and wouldn’t be pleased to have me tag along at the last minute.

I’d even tried to change my ticket back to Maine, but it was non-exchangeable, and I obviously have no money to pay for a new one. So, it looks like this is where I’m spending winter break.

“They’re good people,” Sam reassures me, when I expel another sigh. I know this—I’ve known the Taylors for almost my entire life. I thought I knew them all as well as my own family.

“Most of them,” I mutter, but shake my head when Sam doesn’t hear my words. “Thanks, Sam,” I say, clearer, with a brave and totally fake smile. “Have a great Christmas, and tell Delilah I said hi.”

“Will do, but please, call me if you need anything.”

“I’ll be fine, but thank you.”

I climb out of the car while I still have the guts and shut the door behind me, striding up to the house before I can second-guess myself. I’ve just escaped DU, where Madden happily made my life hell for the last four months, and now, I’m willingly strolling up to his house, where he can carry the torment on? Well,willinglyis a stretch, but still. I can’t deny that deep down, buriedwayunderneath my self-preservation, I’m happy to be close to him. It seems no matter what he does, my soul still craves the Madden I knew and undoubtedly loved for years. Which, yes, does make me the biggest idiot to ever grace this earth.

My steps slow as the huge house looms up over me, and I’m sure if the door hadn’t just opened, I’d have stopped completely. My heart jolts, not prepared to have Madden right in front of me so soon, but it’s his parents that exit the home, his dad holding the door as his mom steps out.

“Harper!” she calls, her face lighting up with just a hint of surprise. “Oh, I’m so glad you came! I wasn’t sure you would.” Well, that makes two of us, I guess.

“Sorry. I spent a while at the hospital.”

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