Page 16 of Our Ruined Beginnings

“How’s your roommate?”

“No idea. She’s not turned up yet,” I say with a shrug.

“Oh, really? It’s odd to miss the first days of class.”

“I guess.” I hadn’t really thought of it, to be honest—just happy to have my own space for a little longer. “What about yours?”

“Mine is alright. She’s kind of quiet; keeps to herself.”

“You mean she sits and pretends to listen to your constant self-commentary?” I tease, and Kinsley rolls her eyes. She’s known to narrate everything she does if there’s no other noise, just to fill the silence.

“That’s not what I meant, but laugh away.”

I grin harder at that, having missed every single thing about my best friend. It’s been so much longer than I ever thought it would be since I last heard it, and the memory comes back easily.

The heartbeat in my ears drowns everything out. The crowd murmuring, the excited chattering of our class, and even Kinsley’s ramblings … it all sounds distant. I don’t know why this is such a huge deal to me—it’s just twenty or so steps across the stage, grab the diploma, and shake a hand—but it feels insurmountable.

It means so much more than that.

It means moving on from the last three years of my life, stepping into university, and moving away with my best friends. With Madden. A flurry of excitement stirs in my stomach as the man himself winds his arm around my waist.

“Not even a crowd of five hundred gets her nervous enough to be quiet, huh?” he asks, directing it at both of us so Kinsley knows he’s teasing.

“Ha ha,” she drawls, but then his attention is all for me, and I’m not proud of it, but I forget about my best friend for a moment.

“Are you doing okay?” he asks, his eyes assessing me with that uncanny ability he has. “And don’t even think about lying to me.”

“I don’t know. I feel kind of nervous.”

“To walk?”

“To face the future.”

He beams, happiness lighting up his gorgeous face.

“I’m already there, Lilypad. Come join me so we can start living it.”Together.He doesn’t say the word, but it hangs in the air between us. I truly think this is a turning point for us—this summer, and me moving across the country to him. His brother and our friends are there too, of course, but it feels like our time. Mine and Madden’s. We’ve danced around the idea ofusfor so long, but I’m ready.

“I tolerate you,” he adds softly. It’s our usual quip. We’ve said it a million times to each other, and I can’t comprehend why, but it hits differently today, settling warmly into my chest.

“I tolerate you too.” I don’t think any sound even comes out, just my lips moving, but he gets it all the same.

And suddenly, I’m not nervous anymore. It’s a struggle to not run across that stage, and when I see him waiting for me on the other side, cheering like his team is winning, it takes every ounce of willpower I have to not throw myself into his arms instead of going back to sit with my family.

“You are allowed to find happiness, you know,” Kinsley says, bringing me out of my own head. I look at her questioningly where she sits with her mouth downturned, but I know it’s from the way my face fell at the memory. “He’d want that—to know you can still find good moments.”

She’s talking about Caleb; I know she is. But is she right?

Caleb would be the first person to tell me to move on—to put the past in the past and let go. But how can I, when all I can see when I think about letting go is Madden? I can see so clearly in my mind the way his face dropped when he learnt the truth, and the way—for the first time since I’ve known him—he turned his back on me.

If he was here and could tell me, Caleb may have wanted that for me, but Madden doesn’t. And as long as he holds on to this vendetta, I know there’s no letting go. Because he’s so ingrained in who I am and how I feel. There is no happiness without him at my side. A handful of good moments can never replace the lifetime of happiness I was meant to have. How am I supposed to forgive myself when the person who means the most to me never will?

Chapter Seven

Harper

Therestoftheweek is a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

My classes look to be interesting, and I know, given time, I’ll enjoy the majority of them, but having to work my brain after so long is exhausting. There are days when all I want is to curl in a ball and turn everything off.

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