Page 66 of Letting it Ride

Leo crawls by my feet. I keep an eye on his path until something putrid hits my nose. “Oh god.”

Addie looks up from where she’s sitting next to James. “What?”

“Holy f—fudge. It smells like sh—poop.”

She snorts. “First, you can swear. They don’t know words. All they say is ‘da,’ which is really a useless word when you have two moms. It’s not like they’re going to say ‘fuck’ as their first word if you let one slip. And if they do, it’s because they heard it from Chris. She swears more than I do.”

“Okay. But the real issue here is that something smells likeshit.” I lower my voice on the last word. I’m pretty sure Addie knows what she’s talking about, but just in case. I don’t want to be responsible for potty-mouthed toddlers.

“He probably has a dirty diaper. I can change him.” She starts to get up.

Okay, I’m out of my depth, but I’m not a pansy. I can handle this. Addie is probably rethinking my suitability as a parent and thus as a long-term partner. I need to show her I’ve got this. That I can carry my weight when it comes to kids and the two of us working together. And if this is what it takes, I can handle some baby shit in the name of true love.

“I’ve got it,” I say. I pick up Leo, holding the tiny stink bomb as far away from my nose as possible.

“Okay.” She doesn’t look at all confident inmy ability to execute this. “The changing area is in the guest room. Right over there.” She points, and I carry Leo that direction.

By the time I push open the door with my foot, Leo has made it abundantly clear that he does not want to be carried, does not want his diaper changed, and hates me with the fire of a thousand suns.

“Be cool, kid,” I whisper as I lay him on the changing pad.

He rolls, almost launching himself off the table.

“Stay.” I put a hand on his abdomen while I pull a new diaper and a pack of wipes off the shelf.

Okay. This is simple. Take the old diaper off, wipe, put the new one on. I unsnap his onesie and study the new diaper in relation to the old one. So the little yellow pieces go in the back and wrap around the front. Got it.

I set the clean diaper to the side and pull a wipe out. I’m ready for anything you’ve got, kid. The tabs peel off and I pull the diaper down to find a shitload of shit. One wipe isn’t possibly going to do it.

It takes nine wipes—eight for the diaper area, one to clean Leo’s hand—but the poop is contained, or at least in a pile out of his reach. I take one more wipe—may as well make it an even ten—and clean his butt once more. Perfect.

I add the wipe to the dirty pile and reach for the new diaper. Tuck it under, pull it up, and—

“Fuck!” I shriek, as Leo fires directly at me. I put my hand over the yellow stream. “Oh, fuck fuck fuck. You little fucker.” Pee drips down my cheek. He almost hit mymouth.

Addie comes rushing in, Thing One under her arm like a sack of potatoes. “What happened? Is Leo alright?”

“The fucker peed on me!” I sputter.

Addie just stares for a minute. Her lips twitch, like she’s trying to hold back a smile, but she loses that battle with a little snort that swiftly turns into full-on laughter. She puts James in the crib behind her, and when she straightens, she’s laughing so hard there are tears in her eyes.

I stand there, baby urine dripping from my hand and my chin, while she tries to pull it together.

“Oh my God,” she says, wiping her tears. “This is about the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Josie is going to love this story.”

“Don’t you dare tell her!” That’s all I need, a reputation as the guy who can’t change babies without getting peed on. I’ve seen the way the Andersons gossip at holiday gatherings. This story has potential to become one that gets told over and over,and I’ll never live it down. “And can you help me here?”

Addie is still laughing softly. “Go get cleaned up. And never leave the wee-wee uncovered.” She grabs a new diaper, still holding the pee-soaked one in place.

As I slink off to the bathroom, it sounds like Leo is laughing at me, too.

I stick with James for the rest of the afternoon. He, at least, hasn’t peed on me, and when he unleashes something in his diaper, I meekly hand him to Addie to be changed.

She takes him with a smirk on her face. “Don’t let Leo eat dirt while I’m gone.”

Leo does not eat dirt. Leo decides that this is the moment that we have all been waiting for to hear his new screech, which he demonstrates at top volume. And keeps demonstrating.

Addie rushes back into the living room, carrying James tucked under her arm like a football. “What happened? Is he okay?”

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