Page 19 of Between Hope & Tragedy

Grandma Greta

I pursed my lips as I set the note down on one side of me and the envelope on the other. I didn't know what secrets the other envelopes held, but I was going to read them, no matter how bad the feeling was in the pit of my stomach.

I took a deep breath and picked up the second envelope. I smiled as tears brimmed in my eyes. I'd know Grandpa's writing anywhere, the way he wrote the Z in my name was artistic and always stood out to me. I pulled the letter out of the envelope, cleared my throat, and blinked back the tears as I read his letter to me. The way he addressed me in the letter made me laugh softly; he almost always called me Zaydee Gray because of my eyes. No one in my family had eyes the same color as mine.

Zaydee Gray,

You're reading this because I'm gone now.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was sick; I didn't want you to worry about me. You always worried too much, even when you were a little girl. Rita took good care of me and so did Greta, but there's something that's been weighing on meheavily. Something I know I should have told you when it happened.

Your son Scott; Greta and I adopted him and gave him to Bill and Rose to raise. I felt it was best to keep him in the family. We all did our best and hope that when you meet him, you'll be as proud of him as I was.

All My Love,

Frances Lettsworth

"Thanks, Grandpa," I whispered, putting his note down on top of Grandma's and his envelope to the other side. I sighed and looked down at where he was resting beneath me, another sad smile curving the edges of my lips. I never did meet a man as great as my grandfather, and I was sure I never would.

I was okay with that. Some people in this world weren't meant for happiness and true love and I didn't mind being one of them.

I took a deep breath and raised my face to the warm sun for a moment. I felt like he was there with me. Standing over me as I read these letters, to make sure I was okay. With a sniffle, I moved onto the next envelope, only this one didn't house a letter or a note; inside of this one were pictures.

Pictures of a newborn in my grandfather's arms, being held in the hospital nursery. Pictures of an infant learning to stand with a big smile on his face. The more the pictures progressed in age, the more I saw that he looked like Garrett. However, when I started to get to what I assumed to be Scott's teenage years, the more his expression started to look like mine. Stoic, unhappy, and distant.

"It'll be okay," I said softly to the last picture of my son. "It always turns out okay in the end."

I set his pictures down on top of Grandma and Grandpa's letters and looked at the last envelope that was sitting on the grass. I didn't recognize the handwriting or the sentiment scrawled across the front. It wasn't something I had been given the chance to do and I still wasn't sure that I deserved the title. But there it was; the one word that would always remind me of how deeply scars truly run.

‘Mom’

My lower lip trembled and my hands began to shake. Did I really want to read this? Did he really think of me as his mother even though he had never met me and I never had a chance to hold him?

I closed my eyes for a moment and blindly reached for the letter. It was amazing how something as light as a piece of paper could feel like the heaviest stone in the world. Like an anchor that was slowly dragging my heart down to the depths of the ocean, threatening to crush me with the pressure of all of my past misdeeds.

Don't be a pussy; open the letter, Zaydee.

I ripped the back of the sealed envelope away and opened the letter. There it was again; the first word in the letter was addressed toMom.

Mom,

Gramps told me everything. He told me how sad you were that you weren't able to keep me and how alone you felt when Dadturned his back on you. I can forgive you for not physically being in my life because you didn't have a choice. What I can't forgive you for is never picking up the phone and calling me. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to hear your voice when I felt like everything was crumbling around me. I can't tell you how hard it is knowing what I'm going to do and never knowing if you honestly loved me.

Gramps is sick. I hated seeing him like that and I don't think I can do this anymore if he's not here.

I'm sorry.

I love you and I hope that you love me too.

Scott

p.s. Don't be sad. You didn't do anything wrong.

***

Hours later and the sun was starting to set over the horizon somewhere behind me. I was still sitting at Grandpa's grave, trying to fully understand what I had just read. If it was what I had assumed it to be, then Garrett must have found out by now too. I didn't know if I should cry and I didn't know if it hurt me yet, because I didn't knowhim.What I did know was, even without being in his life I had failed him; he hadn't stood a chance with me or without me, and no matter what he said, it was most definitely my fault.

But the fault wasn't mine alone, and I wouldn't bear what should have been the heartbreak of this by myself.

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