Page 64 of Diving In

Ian attempted to grab my hand and interlock our fingers, but I quickly pulled away, shooting a disgruntled look in his direction.

It was the first time he’d touched me since I’d last seen Cal, and unfortunately Cal was the only person I could think of at the moment.

Flashes of him on top of me swirled through my mind. I blinked, hoping that would make them disappear, but to no surprise, it didn’t. Fuck me. I could almost feel him touching me, his fingers lighting my skin on fire. I wanted to hold onto that feeling forever, but I also knew that I had to put him behind me.

I looked down to see Ian’s hand still extremely close to mine, and I immediately stepped farther away as anickfeeling surfaced.

“G, seriously?” he asked with a puzzled expression.

“Ian… I already told you where I stand. The only reason we’re here together is because we’re on the same flight.”

He changed the subject, pointing ahead to the right and saying, “Our gate’s over there. I’m going to grab a coffee. Do you want anything?”

“I’ll take a black coffee. Thanks.”

At the gate, I found two chairs next to each other and sat down. I stared at the people around me, wondering what was happening in their lives at this very moment.

Were they happy? Were they sad? Were they in love?

I was frantically trying to box up and push all other thoughts to the back of my mind, never to be mentioned again.

“Here you go.” Ian handed over my coffee.

“Thanks.”

Visibly nervous as he fidgeted with his cup, Ian said, “So, remember what I said earlier about how I’ve been thinking about the next step in our relationship?”

“Not now, Ian,” I insisted as I caught his eye, pretty sure I knew what was coming next. I stuck my hand in my purse, searching for anything that would distract me from what he was about to say.

He was persistent, that much I knew. “I really want to move things forward, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how to do that. Especially after you left, it really made me realize…” He paused for a moment, seeming almost awkward, before continuing. “I don’t know what type of ring you want, but I’d really like to go shopping with you when we get back to the city. Call it a late birthday gift!” he said eagerly.

My stomach sank, my face instantly getting hot. I hadn’t decided if or when I was going to tell Ian that I had slept with someone else. We were broken up when it happened, and I wasn’t sure it was his business. But with Ian mentioning a ring and my uncontrollable emotions violently thrashing inside me… the decision had been for me.

“Jesus Christ, Ian. I slept with someone,” I blurted out while I had the courage.

After a few seconds of silence, I forced myself to meet his gaze. His eyes stared straight into mine, his body tensed, and his eyes went dark, enraged.

“Ian?”

Much to my dismay, I saw him take a deep breath, relax his shoulders, and continue with poise. “You’ve had a lot going on the last week or so. I can’t blame you for what you did while on this hellhole of an island. We’ll get through this.”

I struggled to find the right response, because I’d fully expected Ian to lose his shit. In fact, I’d hoped he would. Instead, he sat there as calm as can be, giving me excuses as to why I decided to have sex with someone that wasn’t him.

“I don’t want to fuckingget through this,” I cried.

The fact that he thought we could basically shove this under the rug and get back together, continuing on with our relationship as if nothing had happened was absolutely fucking terrifying. I didn’t ever want to feel like my relationship was built on a wavering foundation. A foundation that had detrimental secrets and hidden motives, one that risked crumbling at any moment. I wanted no part in a relationship that was okay with mediocrity, which Ian would clearly be fine with.

“You wanna know the most fucked up part about that, Ian? We both know we’d never work through it. We’d end up pretending everything was fine, but two or five years down the road, we’d eventually crack, or worse, we wouldn’t, and instead we’d have a damaged relationship that was beyond repair.” I surprised myself with how ballsy I’d been with my response.

“G, what the fuck? I’m offering to forgive you for sleeping with someone else for the three days that we weren’t together and you’re throwing this shit at me?” he accused.

I always knew this would be how our relationship would play out. Old Georgia probably would’ve buckled and went along with it because it would’ve been easier.Even more so, it would have been predictable.

Three days ago, I would’ve settled.

But three days ago, I was a different person.

As I sat there, wading through my and Ian’s relationship, all I could hear was Jack’s voice from his last letter. “I’m not talking about the happiness that you control, Georgia. No. Actual, true happiness. The kind of happiness that is wild and chaotic but safe and comforting too.”

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