Page 68 of One More Time

“What do you want to know? They’re kind of boring.”

“I’d love a boring family,” he says with a laugh and then continues playing with my earlobe.

“Alright, well I have an older brother who lives in Idaho. My parents moved to Florida, and I stayed here to be close to my grandparents.”

“Are you close with your grandparents? It seemed like you are.”

“Yeah, I am. They’re the best.”

“I love that. I’m not really close with my sister. I think she kind of resents having to raise me, and I don’t blame her. I was a little shit,” he says. “She was mostly annoyed with me during my teenage years. I try to make up for it by helping with the kids as much as I can now that I’m older. Her husband works a lot, travels for business a ton, so she’s really like a single mom most days.”

“You don’t need to earn her love, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know, but I still want to anyways.”

I don’t get it, not really. I never had to earn anyone’s love. My parents just simply love me. Same with my brother and my grandparents. What a fucking shitty thing to live with hanging over your head. Conditional love. What a mindfuck.

“What did your parents do when you came out to them?” he asks after a few seconds of silence.

“My mom hugged me, my dad made a dad-joke, and my brother said he already knew. My grandparents were a little more excited. They go to marches and everything. Just last year, they went to the pride parade.”

“That’s so cool,” he breathes. “I love that so much.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty great.”

“When did you tell them?”

“When I was sixteen.”

“And you always knew?”

“When I started getting feelings, yeah. I was thirteen, I think. Tried to will it away, but by the time I was sixteen, I realized there was nothing to be done about it.” I let out a small laugh. “It wasn’t easy being a gay kid in Iowa, especially in a small town, but I did it.”

“Yeah,” Jude says, leaning up again and looking down into my eyes. “What high school did you go to?”

Shit.Shit.

I shrug, trying to play it casual. For weeks, I’ve wanted him to come to this realization, but not any more. I don’t want it. I don’t fucking want him to recognize me.

“Doesn’t matter.”

He stares at me intently and then places his head back on my chest. I let out a long exhale, thankful that he hasn’t figured me out.

Thank fuck for small mercies.

“Yeah, okay. Doesn’t matter. Feels like so long ago. High school was dumb anyways.”

My heart pinches, and I run my hands through his hair.

“Yeah. It was stupid. Let’s get some sleep,” I say. I don’t want to lie to him anymore than I already have. So I just hope it dies. I need it to just disappear entirely.

“Okay,” he says with a yawn, and a few minutes later, he’s snoring softly, his warm body blanketing mine. But I don’t fall asleep for a long while.

No, I stay awake andthink.

And when I wake up after just a few hours of restless sleep, he’s gone.

“Why are you so grumpy?” my grandma asks when I trail over to her place for a hug and some coffee. I fucking need it. I feel all sorts of conflicting emotions rolling through me right now. I’m just a jumbled fucked-up mess.

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