Page 102 of You Are Not Me

I swallowed, feeling sick. “You told me you always want the truth.”

“Yeah, I do.” He shifted so that he blocked the light, and his face fell into shadow beneath his baseball cap.

My stomach wrenched, and I was glad I hadn’t eaten anything. It’d end up on the concrete between us.

“I can’t,” I said, after a silence that lasted long enough for any hope to fade from Daniel’s expression. “I can’t break up with him. Not yet. He hasn’t had a chance.”

“He’s had a lot of chances,” Daniel whispered.

“Not really. You don’t know what his family is like.” I forged ahead, laying it bare. Each word was like cutting myself, yet I kept talking. “He’s coming to visit. It’s all planned. I can’t let him down.”

Daniel gruffly muttered, “He’s let you down plenty of times.”

“I know. But…” I struggled for an explanation. “Our relationship’s been hard, but it can’t be over yet. The last time I saw him…” I scrubbed a hand into my humidity-frizzed hair. “It can’t be the last time.”

Daniel’s eyes softened. “That’s how last times work. You don’t always get to choose them. They just happen. The last time I saw my dad he was mowing the lawn, and I didn’t even say goodbye before heading back up to UT. Last times are what they are. There’s no closure.”

I didn’t know how to make him understand. “I’m sorry about your dad.”

“No, I’m sorry. Forget I brought him up. This is about me and you.” His mouth twisted again. “And Adam.”

I stared over his shoulder at the cars making their way up the westbound interstate ramp. “This summer has been great.” If I didn’t know how to say goodbye to Adam, it seemed like I knew even less how to say goodbye to Daniel. Was that how Adam felt about me and Leslie?

Daniel spoke softly. “And last night was so good.”

“Last night was…” I couldn’t get my words in order. My eyes burned, and my throat clogged.

“Being with you was important to me,” he said. “It wasn’t a game.”

“I know.” I swallowed hard. “It was important to me too.” No matter what, I needed him to understand that.

He let out a long breath. “But…”

“Maybe this fall will be different,” I whispered.

Daniel’s eyes flickered with sadness, but it wasn’t about us. It was for me. “It won’t be different, Peter. Not the way you want.”

“I have to see that for myself.”

“I get it. He’s your first love.” Daniel’s eyes flashed. “But dammit, you deserve so much better than…” He gestured sharply. “Sharing him with a girl! Hiding who you are from her! Hiding from your friends! You’re better than that, and you deserve better.”

His unstatedyou deserve someone like merattled in my head.

“He needs me!” I scrubbed a hand into my hair in frustration. “If I leave him, then he’ll never let himself be who he really is.”

Daniel gaped. “What?”

“He’ll stay with her and never accept the truth.”

“And you know the truth? You know his truth better than he does?”

I swallowed and gasped for breath. “He loves me. That means something. Maybe he’s bisexual, or maybe he’s gay. I don’t know. But if I don’t stay with him and help him see that a relationship with a guy—a true relationship—is possible, then he’ll never even try.”

Daniel rubbed a hand over the beard burn along his chin and turned his face up to the sun.

I touched his arm. “I know it’s hard to understand.”

“Yeah, it really fucking is.”

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