Page 12 of You Are Not Me

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t need to convince Robert that I missed Adam. Though that’d been part of what’d kept me up all night too—wondering if I wasn’t missing him enough, or if I missed him too much, or if I should be trying not to miss him at all.

“I hate that he’s across the world, but…”

“But…?” Robert pursed his lips.

My conscience pricked. Adam’s letter made it seem like he missed me a lot. He’d begged for promises and handed them out desperately in return. Meanwhile, I was mooning over a guy I probably didn’t stand a chance with, and with whom I might not be happy even if I did. For all I knew Daniel would make me miserable too. I decided to deflect.

“Before Adam left, I wasn’t happy.”

“I remember. You put up with a lot to be with him.” Robert tried hard to be fair to Adam, but as my friend, he was protective of my heart. He didn’t like the position Adam had put me in. I appreciated that. He and Barry had an open relationship, but they’d both agreed to it and laid down rules. That made all the difference.

“Between the situation with Leslie, lying to everyone, faking a girlfriend, coming out to my mom, and everything else…” I took a deep breath, trying to sum it up. “I was really messed up inside by the time he went to Rome.” More than that, I’d been tired. Deep down, flat-out tired.

Robert rubbed my arm. “I know, baby. Believe me. I wasn’t out in high school either. All of it takes a toll.”

I couldn’t imagine Robert in the closet, but I supposed every gay boy got his start there. Even fabulous ones.

“I need this break. From him. From all the lies.”

“A break as big as the Atlantic Ocean?” Robert eyed me.

“When he comes back this fall, things will be different.” I wished I actually believed that.

“That boy should value you more than he does.” Robert arched a brow. “Maybe he’ll come home this fall and find his Sweetie has moved on to someone else?”

I snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“Why not?”

I shrugged again. There was only one person who’d caught my eye the way Adam had. And yet, despite our flirtation the other day, Daniel hadn’t asked for my phone number.

I thought about confessing that I’d run into Daniel at the park, and that seeing him had complicated things emotionally for me. But if Robert hadn’t mentioned it already, that meant Daniel hadn’t told him. And if Daniel hadn’t told him, maybe he didn’t want Robert to know. Though why Daniel would care about that was beyond me. Still, it was as good an excuse as any to avoid dealing with Robert’s inclination toward matchmaking.

Besides, if I acted on my attraction to Daniel, or let him act on his for me, that would put a definite end to my relationship with Adam. My stomach twisted into knots at the thought of closing the door for good. There was still a possibility things might get better. I knew Adam loved me.

“Seriously, baby, why not experiment a little? Test the waters.”

“Because right now, it feels good to be alone.” Like the world was wider and there was more room to breathe. “For the next few months, it can be me, my camera, and my job.” I nudged his knee, and he winked at me. “That feels like enough.”

Robert studied me and then said gently, “But it’s not enough. You need more than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Now that you don’t have to fit Adam in—literally and figuratively—”

I rolled my eyes. “Ha-ha.”

“You have an opportunity. One you shouldn’t pass up.” Robert smoothed the hair off my forehead, smiling when the curls bounced right back down again. “Let me tell you something important, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You deserve to take all the time you need. No doubt about that. But, Sweetie, you also deserve to have friends who know the truth about you.Gay friends.”

“I have you and Barry.” And maybe Daniel.

“We’re amazing, I’ll grant you that, but you need friends closer to your own age.”

I laughed. I’d never been good at making friends. “Um, so how do I find those?”

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