Page 56 of Skin Deep

“Is that what you fear?” Shepherd asked, coming around to the end of the bed. “That he’ll blame you?”

“Xander is good at holding grudges,” I pointed out, thinking of Xion. His triplet had tried to kill him and killed his dog, and Xander had never forgiven him. If there was anyone in the family that could hold a grudge for a long time, it was Xander. Of course, he was well within his rights to stay mad at Xion. I’d be pissed too.

“I think you’re more afraid that Xanderwon’tbe angry at you,” Shepherd said.

I lifted my eyes to meet his briefly before looking away. “Why would I be afraid of that?”

“Because you’re angry at yourself, and you’re projecting your own self-loathing on him and everyone around you. This isn’t about Xander. It’s about Brandon. It’s about Pax and his daughters. It’s about everyone. You’re doubting your ability to protect those closest to you.”

“If I can’t protect Xander, how am I supposed to protect them?” I demanded, meeting Shepherd’s eyes again. “I keep looking at him and reliving that moment, wondering why I didn’t do more to help him. Why haven’t I stormed out of here, hunted Sergei down, and slit his fucking throat for daring to touch him? The answer’s the same every time. I can’t. My hands are tied. I don’t want to start a war. I’m so fucking sick and tired of playing this game.” My eyes fell on Xander again. “I wish I were more like you, or River. I wish I could kill everyone and not feel so much all the damn time.”

“You don’t want to be like me,” he said coldly. “Don’t ever say that, War. This family needs someone who can still feel the weight of guilt, or we’re all lost.”

“Why does it have to be me?” I closed my eyes and winced as soon as I said it. It was childish to question why me. I knew why. Because they weren’t capable.

River was a sociopath and a narcissist who didn’t think of anyone but himself. Even his romance with Theo was rooted in a desire to be needed. Xander was too impulsive to make decisions, Xavier wasn’t interested, Xion was locked in an institution, and Shepherd… His morality shifted based on who was in charge.

I wasn’t mentally stable, not by a long shot, but I understood consequences. Intimately. Some days, they consumed my every waking moment. I lived in a constant state of if X happened then Y would follow, but they weren’t sanitized, calculated thoughts about numbers and outcomes. They were real fears for me.

If I couldn’t protect the people I loved, what was I even doing? I was failing. Not just at protecting the people closest to me, but at being a man, a brother, a lover. Every chance I’d ever had to save someone, I had failed. Didn’t that meanIwas a failure?

Shepherd’s hand came down on my shoulder and I looked up at him, my throat tight. “Let me take over here. Xander can stay with me for a few days. I’ll tell Annie and Tatty I’m taking care of him. You need to rest.”

I closed my eyes and sighed as I stood. “I need to work. The sooner I can put both these cases to bed, the better.”

“War,” Shepherd said as I put a hand on the curtain to pull it back. “Don’t push Paxton away over this. Not if he makes you happy. Security is a worthy pursuit, but not at the cost of happiness.”

I thought about Shepherd’s words on the drive home, and then as I laid in the guest room bed, trying to find sleep. My phone buzzed every few hours with new messages from Pax, but I couldn’t summon the will to answer him. I wanted to. More than anything, I wanted to go straight to him, curl up in his arms, and have him tell me everything was going to be all right.

But every moment I was with him put him in danger. Everyone who got close to me was a target for one of my grandfather’s thugs to hurt. I didn’t want that to happen to Paxton, and his daughters certainly deserved better. They’d already lost their mother. I wouldn’t take their father from them too.

I must’ve drifted off to sleep, because a loud pounding sound woke me. I sat straight up in bed, already clutching the knife I kept under my pillow.

I stood when I heard the knock a second time and realized someone was at my front door. I wasn’t expecting visitors.Maybe it’s Shepherd or Pax.

Just in case it wasn’t, I kept my knife in hand and went to the door, glancing through the frosted glass. My cousin, Aleksi, stood on the other side, smoking a cigarette, his face drawn.

Shit. What the fuck did he want?

I’d only spoken to Aleksi a handful of times, and most of them had been around the time his father, my Uncle Sacha, had died last fall. We barely knew each other. He’d certainly never come to my house before. I wasn’t even aware he knew where I lived, but it didn’t surprise me. The vory was probably keeping tabs on me.

I lowered the knife but kept it in my hand as I opened the door. “Zdravstvuyte,Aleksi. What can I do for you today?”

He plucked the smoking cigarette from between his lips. “Your grandfather is asking for you. I’m here to retrieve you.”

I swallowed, shifting my grip on the knife. Not that I planned on stabbing my cousin. I wouldn’t live long if I did that. “What for?”

“Who knows?” he said, casting the cigarette to the stoop and scraping a boot over it. “Simeon rarely shares his thoughts with me.”

“Does Nikita know about this?”

Aleksi shrugged. “Your father has a trial this afternoon. He’s unavailable.”

In other words, no. Simeon had sent for me knowing Nikita was too busy to intercept Aleksi. But why now? Why would he want anything to do with me after years of silence? It had to be because of what happened at the Foxhole. Of fucking course Sergei would go to him and tell him everything.

I took a step back. Aleksi’s eyes tracked the knife as I put it on the table near the door. There would be no need to take it with me. Aleksi’s guards would search me and take it away. I grabbed a jacket from my closet and threw it on so I’d look halfway decent and then stepped outside, locking the door behind me.

ThesunsetbehindSimeon’s mansion in Marble Cliffs, making the wrought iron gate cast long shadows into the road. A long, paved driveway led back from the gate to the house itself, tucked against the banks of the Scioto River.

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