Page 99 of Skin Deep

War led me into the bathroom and sat me down on the toilet. I sat there numbly, replaying the scene with Sergei over and over in my mind while he turned on the shower. Steam filled the air, but it wasn’t enough to wash the stink of blood and guts from the air. For a minute, I was back in the cabin, smashing every bone in Sergei’s hands and feet. It’d felt like a dream when it was happening, like I was looking over my shoulder and watching my body act without any input from me. The memory was more real. Every snap of bone, every agonizing cry, the weight of the bat in my hand, the pressure of all the eyes on my back as I worked… It was all brought into sharper focus, the colors brighter, the sounds clearer than they’d been. I was lost in it, stuck in time, bringing that bat down again and again and again.

Until War knelt on the floor between my knees. That didn’t make any sense. Even though the bathroom floor looked clean, he must’ve thought it was filthy, yet there he was, carefully removing my boots and placing them aside. He pulled off my sweat-dampened socks before rising to help me out of my blood-spattered shirt. Then he pulled me to my feet and helped me out of my jeans before quickly undressing himself. War guided me into the shower where he started washing me with such agonizing tenderness. I didn’t deserve those soft touches, the careful handling. I was a monster. Maybe I’d directed my monstrous deeds toward someone who deserved it, but that didn’t make me any better. A killer was a killer. How could I ever hold my little girls again with those bloodstained hands? After all the lives I’d taken?

I caught War’s hand, the question aching on the tip of my tongue to be uttered, but I couldn’t find my voice. Something was swelling in my chest, blocking the way. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

War caressed my cheek with a thumb. “Let him go, Pax. Sergei stole enough of your heart and mind while he was alive. I won’t let his ghost have any more of you. It’s done. He’s dead and Maya can rest, so let the dead sleep. Come back to me.”

That was all it took to break me. I choked on a sound as the tears started to fall. I couldn’t have held them back if I tried. For almost two years, I’d had to be strong for my girls. I hadn’t cried, hadn’t properly mourned Maya. Not really. Aside from the few panicked tears that fell when I first found her, my eyes had been dry for fifteen long months. I hadn’t even wept at her funeral, but I could let go now. Now it was over, and we were alone. I had no reason to hold back.

War put his arms around me, and we sank to the shower floor. He pulled my head to his chest, holding me tight while the water washed away my tears. “I’m here,” he whispered, showering me with gentle kisses. “I’ve got you.”

I couldn’t answer him. All I could do was hold onto him and sob. I wept for the dead, for the living, for the lives lost, for the ones we’d destroyed to build our own. For the innocence we’d lost, and the people we hadn’t been able to save. For all the ripper’s victims, their families, the survivors who would live with his scars on their faces while we wore them in our hearts.

I cried until there were no more tears and the water ran cold, and all the while he held me.

When I was too exhausted to shed another tear, he pulled my lips to his. Our tongues tangled and the taste of him was like getting shocked back to life. It sent a jolt of energy through me out of nowhere. I gripped him and pulled him closer, needing to feel his skin on mine, but it wasn’t enough.

He wriggled free of me enough to whisper, “Not here.”

I growled and pawed at the shower knob, shutting off the cold water before I practically dragged him out of the shower and carried him down the hall to the bedroom. We didn’t even stop to dry off. Cool air kissed my back as we fell on the bed, my fingers already tangled in his hair. I yanked his head back to kiss his neck while he grabbed the lube from the bedside table drawer. Our movements were quick and desperate, as if we might never get the chance to be together again.

He grunted as I pushed two slick fingers inside him, his fingers tightening on my shoulders. I wanted to take my time, to prep him properly, but I was too frantic to have him again. I positioned my cock against his hole and looked at him in question. He licked his lips and nodded that he was ready. I kissed him fiercely, muffling his curse as I seated myself inside him with one rough thrust. Fingernails clawed at my back. His heels dug into the back of my thighs while his knees flared wide to make room for me as I drove into him at a feverish pace.

There were no words, no cutting, no torn clothes. Nothing but frantic vanilla sex in missionary, but damn if it wasn’t some of the hottest sex we’d ever had. Maybe it was because of the shameless way he gasped and moaned, not caring if anyone heard us, despite being in a house full of people. Maybe it was because emotions were running high, and I desperately needed to be reminded what it felt like to be alive. Maybe it was because being buried in the tight warmth of War’s ass felt like a baptism, like I was being reborn and cleansed of the past. It was a foolish thought. I would always carry my guilt with me, but being with War meant I didn’t have to carry it alone.

He cried out as I gave him a particularly brutal thrust. I closed my hand around his cock, jerking him in time with my movements until he came with another shout. Hot cum shot between us, coating my fist and his stomach. His body tightened around me so hard I could barely move, and I came so hard, it left me trembling and fighting for breath.

I flopped down next to him on the bed, panting loudly. “Shit. God damn, I needed that.”

“I know,” he said, trying to catch his breath as well. “Me too.”

I let myself bask in the afterglow and at how light I felt before I eventually got up to find something to clean us both up. As soon as that was done, War crawled into my arms, letting his head rest on my chest.

We laid there for a few minutes in silence before he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

“Good. I was worried about you.”

I combed my fingers through his damp hair. “How’d you know what to do with me?”

War shrugged one shoulder. “I didn’t know. I just did what I always wished someone had been there to do for me.”

I tipped his chin up so I could look into his eyes. “I’m here for you now.”

He planted a quick kiss on my lips and smiled. God, I’d never get tired of seeing him smile. “We’re here for each other now and forever, Pax. We’re partners.”

“Partners in crime,” I said with a happy sigh. “And in everything else, too.”

Paxtonfellasleep,butI stayed awake to watch the sun come up. Distant thoughts of work and my need to return to the operating table danced in the back of my mind as the first pink and gold rays of light touched Paxton’s face. I was starting to miss the routine and safety of those days.

Everything could go back to normal as soon as Simeon was dead. Well, a version of normal. There would be some changes because of Pax and the girls being in my life now, but I’d adjust. Pax didn’t know it yet, but I wasn’t planning to let him go back to work in construction either. That sort of backbreaking labor would only shorten his life, and I wanted to keep him with me as long as possible. There was no reason for him to work, not with the kind of money I made. Maybe he could try his hand at being a stay-at-home dad for a while. I’d put Lettie in a good private school, and after Charlie’s surgery, get her set up with the best speech therapists in the state. I was going to spoil all three of them rotten.

Once Simeon was dead.

That was the last roadblock in my way, and I was going to clear it sooner rather than later.

I left Pax in bed to sleep in and went to take another shower before making my way downstairs for coffee, only to pause in the kitchen doorway when I found Shepherd there waiting for me.

---