Page 44 of If You Fight

Chapter Fourteen

Serena

As winter settled in, bringing with it colder weather and longer nights, Ryder and I slowly let the rest of the world know we were a couple. Instead of hiding out in his apartment to be together, we took those walks he dreamed of, holding hands as we made our way through the garden or the streets of the city when we drove into Baltimore to shop or have dinner.

I had a feeling showing everyone we loved each other made him even happier than it made me. I was used to living in secret. I’d done it most of my life. But Ryder liked to be more upfront about what he cared about. Sneaking around had always made him miserable.

The reaction from the rest of my father’s men ranged from disinterest from the older ones to curiosity from the young guy named Jesse. Not that either of us cared what they thought.

My father at times appeared to seethe when he saw us together, but he never said a word about it after that day when he promised he’d never beat Ryder again. I didn’t pin all my hopes for happiness on that one statement, but as time went on and he didn’t retaliate against either of us, I wanted to believe things had gotten better.

Emboldened by this, I lay in Ryder’s arms as we slept in late on a Saturday morning and decided the time had come to find my mother. I knew my father would fight me on my choice, but I couldn’t continue to pretend to be all right knowing she was out there somewhere and might want to know me as much as I wanted to know her.

I stared up at the ceiling above Ryder’s bed and thought about what I’d say to her when I finally got to meet her after all these years. Would she be happy to see me? Would I be who she hoped I’d become or would she wish I was more like Janelle?

As these thoughts rambled around my head, Ryder nuzzled my neck and whispered, “You look a million miles away. You okay?”

I looked over at him and saw concern in his sleepy expression. “I’m fine. I was just thinking.”

He kissed me on the cheek and wrapped his arms around me to pull me close. “Okay. You want to tell me about it?”

“You know I want to find my mother, Ryder. I got some money from Oliver’s will, and I know you and I could use it toward us getting away from here, but it’s important to me that I finally see her. I want to hire a private detective to find her for me.”

My words were met with silence.

Turning toward him, I saw the drowsiness fade from his expression, replaced with concern. Was he upset I didn’t want to use the money to help us leave this place?

“I know you want us to leave here, and you’re right. I thought we could stay when my father agreed we could be together, but we should go. I just can’t continue knowing she’s out there and I can’t have a relationship her because my father wants to keep her from me. Or maybe it’s that he wants to keep me from her. I don’t know. I just know not having her in my life all these years has left a hole inside me that will never go away if I don’t try. Even though I’m blissfully happy with you, Ryder, there’s still that part of me that misses my mother.”

Shaking his head, he quietly said, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’ve accepted that we probably won’t leave here. Robert’s been almost nice these past few weeks, so maybe we don’t have to.”

I hated hearing him sound so defeated. Cradling his face in my hands, I pressed a kiss to his lips and said, “Don’t say that. We will. I want that place you talk about in the mountains where it’s just the two of us. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this place like some kind of caged animal who’s allowed to roam freely as long as my owner knows exactly where I am and what I’m doing. I just don’t want to go on not knowing my mother.”

Ryder nodded and smiled. “You know, when you tell him, he’s going to fight you on this. Are you up to that?”

“I won the last round. Maybe I’ll win this one too.”

His eyebrows rose to show his disbelief. “You like to live dangerously, don’t you?”

“No. I just have a strong sense of justice, and his keeping my mother from Janelle and me all these years isn’t right.”

“Maybe not telling him until you’ve found her might be better?”

I thought about it and had to agree. Plus, if I told him before the private detective found her, he might do something to ensure I never found her. “Okay. That’s what we’ll do then. When I know where she is, we’ll tell him.”

“We?” he asked with a smile.

Pushing him onto his back, I lay my head on his shoulder. “Yes, we. This is about us, so we it is.”

He pressed a kiss onto the top of my head and whispered, “Okay, we. For now, I say we stay right here and enjoy a few more minutes of sleep.”

His arms holding me tightly to him grew slack, and I looked up to see he’d fallen back to sleep. But I couldn’t sleep because the very idea that sometime soon I’d see my mother made my mind race with thoughts about how wonderful it would be to once again be her daughter in more than just my dreams.

***

“Serena, I wantyou and Ryder to come down to my office.”

My father’s demand for us to join him on the very evening after I’d spoken to the private detective about finding my mother sent my mind into a tailspin. Had I mistakenly hired someone who knew my father, or even worse, worked for him? Had he told him my plans and now he intended to put a stop to them before I even had a chance to find out where she was?

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