Page 30 of Getting it Right (Addy's Rollercoaster)

“And then you sent me away,” he said, and I didn’t feel heat anymore. Only bitterness. “I’d never experienced real loneliness until then.”

“You’re not alone, Barry. You have me.” On the phone, it was okay. Martin couldn’t hurt Barry if he was far away. “You can call me like this anytime.”

“Even now you can’t stand to have me hurting,” he mumbled. “That caring heart of yours is irreplaceable.”

“Are you hurting, Barry?” I asked, unable to stand the thought of it.

“I am,” he said. “And so are you, because you put me in the friend zone and kept me there.”

“If you didn’t want to be just friends,” I said, turning this on him, “why did you stay there?”

I was responsible for a lot, but Barry was responsible for his own feelings, not me.

“Because by the time I figured it out, you were with Collin, and I would take whatever I could get just to be near you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before now?” I asked, trembling.

“I tried in that narrow window of time when you were unattached, but Skellin snuck in and fucked up everything.”

“I wish I’d known,” I said softly. But there were no do-overs in life. If there were, I would have already gone back to fix many things.

Barry let out a long breath. “I wish I’d never joined the band.”

I frowned. “You loved being in ABCR.”

“You loved ABCR, so I loved it, but the truth is the band was your dream, so I made it mine too. I think that was a factor that motivated your sister too.”

“You never said anything,” I said with an exasperated sigh. “She didn’t either.”

“I told you nearly everything, except that every girl I fucked, I imagined was you while I waited and waited for you to give me a single chance. But you never did. It’s never been me,” he said bitterly. “I knew that for certain, knew it would never happen for us the day you admitted Martin hurt you.”

“What does that have to do with you and me?”

God, I was reeling. What Barry shared was making the past feel as shaky as the future did whenever I allowed myself to think beyond one day.

“You went to Martin’s parents for shelter. You told them about the abuse, but not me. Not until I confronted you.” His voice rang with accusation. “I knew then that I ranked less than a best friend. That’s the moment I knew that I had to wake up and move on before I lost more of you.”

“That’s why you left town.”

So, Barry didn’t leave because he didn’t care, but because he cared too much. And I sent him away for the same reason. He didn’t know the lengths Martin would go to destroy him for caring for me. But I did.

“I didn’t just leave town. I had to put an ocean and a continent between us.”

“Are you still in Vietnam?” I asked.

“For now.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I have a lot more stuff I need to try to figure out before I can find any semblance of peace, but you need to face the truth.”

“About what?”

“About yourself,” he said. “You cut everyone out of your life who might love you before they can abandon you like your dad or reject you like your mother.”

My eyes rounded. Dr. Rhodes had touched on that topic in our sessions, but not as harshly.

“You live your life behind your wall with your plans for everyone else, but you don’t plan for your own future.”

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