Page 54 of Castle of Nevers and Nightmares

“As tidy as I left it,” she says. “And I see Finch has already delivered your bag and stoked the fire. Good man. He’ll keep, that’s for sure.”

She steps back to give me room to enter. The chamber is small but neat and in good repair. Fire crackles, taking the chill from the air. A dressing table with a mirror sits against one damask-papered wall. Facing the dresser is a bed with decadent covers and pillows. A small bedside table holds a candle. The room is far more appealing than I’d accounted for. A yawn slips out of my mouth before I can stop it.

Cricket gives me a pitiful look. “Early start tomorrow. You get your rest, alright?”

“Rest doesn’t sound too bad.” I check behind the door and find a bolt. Reassurance washes through me. There are no other doors, only a window overlooking the gusting courtyard outside. I should be safe sleeping here tonight.

“If you’re looking for the ablutions, try across the hall. The masters sleep in the east wing tonight, and the clock tower is beyond that. As I said, stay away from it, especially when it chimes.”

I’m on the same floor as the Sluagh. My frown goes unnoticed. She says goodbye and closes the door.

I pluck out Tinger’s pendant. The manabee glows nice and strong.

“Can you believe it?” I tell him. “This house is enormous. All this time, I was stewing over what they did to me, and they’ve been here, living like this.”He doesn’t talk back, of course. I carry on as usual and walk around the room. “I can’t say I’msurprised at the dust and neglect. We know they weren’t very good at that sort of thing.”

I move items about the room, lift candlesticks, and check inside drawers. I place the stolen dreamcatcher stones beside the candlestick, admiring how the gems catch the firelight. My father said my rearranging habit is nesting. I think it’s making myself at home. Glancing outside the window, I’m reminded of the grand scope of this castle. It might be run down, but it’s huge. The wind howls through the gaps in the glass.

A strange feeling tightens my chest. I turn it over in my mind, trying to understand what it is. The more I see how life has moved on here, the more I feel... Angry. Sad? Resentful?

That’s it. Resentful.

“It’s weird, right, Ting?” I ask, pressing my forehead to the icy pane. “I mean, I know Titania said they were here, living their best lives... or something like that. But I wasn’t prepared for how much it hurts to see how little I mean to them, how quickly they moved on from their obsession with me.” I turn from the window and start plucking the bed covers, fluffing them up. “Not that I want them to continue their obsession, but... it’s just...”

My bottom lip trembles. I can’t voice my thoughts. It’s difficult to acknowledge how fleeting my life was to them. They’ve completely forgotten I exist.

Once, before Nero kidnapped me, I chased butterflies in our old garden. I was so excited when I caught one. The wings were beautiful. The tiny insect was like nothing I’d ever seen in my life. I wanted to hold it forever, so I trapped it in a jar. My mother made me release it, saying it wouldn’t survive inside the glass. Its beauty isn’t for my admiration, but to help it survive against predators in the wild. Made no sense to me. I thought beauty was an attraction.

Mom told me the butterfly’s life span isn’t as long as ours, so five minutes in a jar could feel like an eternity to them.Reluctantly, I had let it go. But the temporary heat I’d subjected it to caused its death anyway. I cried and cried, but after my father gave me a sweet stick, I promptly forgot about the precious thing I’d accidentally killed.

That’s what this feels like—the Sluagh are immortal, ancient beings while I’m just a butterfly they forgot they ruined.

I flop down on the bed and pluck the covers again. I miss my claws. Shifting them out at bedtime made preparing my covers so much easier.

My gaze lifts to my reflection in the dresser mirror. The small acid wounds have dried to discolored scabs. They’ll be gone in a week, but they make the ugliness so much worse. How could I have forgotten how horrid my warped face is?

Warily touching my flaming, misshapen cheeks and then nose, I think about my interactions today. Disgust flickered in so many eyes as they gazed upon me. Puck’s disdain—his instructions to remove the glamour, making me appear normal. Emrys’s close and personal inspection. Walking before a tiered arena filled to the brim with judgmental, perfect, pretty eyes I’ll never have again. And Alfie...

We’ll find a way to make you beautiful again.

Tears sting. I blink rapidly. Why did I think I could do this alone? Why did my mother let me go? And my father? I was so unfair to him, so rude and mean. Our last conversation was an argument, and it was all my fault.

I’m a grown-ass woman. I should be able to handle these things, but I keep fucking up.

The Sluagh don’t even remember me, and I’m here, risking my life for revenge. Homesickness hits me like a tidal wave. Tears spill out, hot and salty. I grow uglier as my face turns blotchy.

A knock comes at the door, and I jump up, gasping.

“Love.” Cricket’s voice filters through the cracks. “I forgot to tend to your wounds. May I come in and see?”

“No!” I shout, trying to hide my state. Realizing I’ve snapped at her, I exhale and force my tone to something more this side of polite. “I’m fine, thank you.”

A pause. “The master insisted I help. I brought a warm bowl of water to clean you.”

“Leave it on the floor. Please.” I hold my breath and cover my face with my hands.

Go away. Go away.I forgot to bolt the door.

A muffled thud outside sounds like she put the bowl down. I hear breathing, and then she leaves. Trembling relief courses through me. I wait for a long minute before opening the door. A wash bowl is there beside a plate of cheese and crackers.

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